CHARIOTS OF FIRE (1981, GREAT BRITAIN)

I still haven't seen Chariots of Fire, but I did watch the original Vangelis music video. So I'm slowly working my way up to the whole movie.

Oh, and a special message for the fine folks at Technorati.com-CA62HQA5T6AV

RAISE THE RED LANTERN (1991, CHINA)

Zeke Chen was one of the wealthiest and most successful merchants in all the land.

After a most trying week, Zeke found himself ready for some relaxation. The servants at his compound bowed as he passed and he responded by nodding acknowledgement. He held tightly to the newspaper in his hand as he approached his first stop.

Zeke made the left into the house where First Mistress resided. As she sat on the sofa eating wild strawberries, she acknowledged him as he entered. He noticed a few wrinkles around her eyes and was astonished at how flabby her buttocks had become. First Mistress had seen forty summers, so this change in proportion was to be expected. She asked him if he wanted a foot massage. Zeke was too astonished at first to answer, but then realized she was offering to call in her main servant to administer it. He told her he wasn’t interested and declined. First Mistress offered him some of the leftover tofu she had been eating earlier. He declined this offer as well. When he was able to get her full attention, he pointed to his paper and showed her a review of the film, Raise the Red Lantern. He said that those who write about such things recommend it highly. She looked at the paper and scrunched her face. She said she wasn’t interested and suggested he check with one of the other mistresses. The first mistress acknowledged a preference for movies on a satellite network called Lifetime, which she said dealt with issues that she could understand in a manner that he could not. A flicker of sadness over this chasm was noticeable upon her face, but she quickly turned her attention away from him as a movie dealing with adulterous behavior and homicidal acts at a trailer park community in a land called South Dakota came onto her television screen. Zeke Chen turned away and agreed with her that he could not relate to this.

Zeke entered the house of the Second Mistress a little more optimistically. She had seen only thirty summers, so he assumed she should have at least a couple of quality seasons left. When she offered him a foot massage he was momentarily hopeful before she pointed to her main servant. He declined the offer as well as the subsequent offer of leftover tofu. He showed her the review and her eyes lit up for a moment, but she declined interest as well. Zeke realized that there had been a time when she would have taken her up on his offer, but apparently that time had passed. When he asked her what she was interested in, she told him about a fascination she had with something called FarmVille. He was intrigued at first, as Second Mistress had never before shown an interest in the outdoors before. But he was quickly disappointed when she pulled out from underneath her bed frame a laptop computer, which she showed to him. She pointed to her screen which read FarmVille in red and blue letters. Second Mistress expressed excitement over animated mystery eggs, big horned sheep, and something called an Ossabaw pig. She also expressed a great deal of excitement over a cartoon cow jumping off a diving board into a swimming pool. This only served to confuse Zeke Chen and he bid Second Mistress farewell.

Zeke was now disheartened as he entered the house of the Third Mistress. Having just seen twenty-one summers, he was unsure about the potential for any enthusiasm from her. When he saw her, she expressed no noticeable sadness that she had already eaten all the tofu and could offer him none. She didn’t even present to him her servant to give him a foot massage. When he asked about it, she said it was fine with her and should enquire with her main servant if that was what he wanted. He told her that he wasn’t interested in that anyway. He did explain to her in no uncertain terms that there was a movie called Raise the Red Lantern that was supposed be of high quality and that he would like her to see it with him. Third Mistress closed her eyes as if in pain. She explained to him how motion pictures were no longer relevant in today’s society. She pulled out a little case, in which contained something she called a Nintendo DS. She explained to him that it had two screens and how the best part about it was the feel of the touchscreen. The game she showed him consisted of a small man she called Mario who appeared to be driving a car in a competition with a type of dragon. Third Mistress stated she couldn’t leave her game tonight when she was just getting the hang of it. She asked him if he wanted to touch her game. He declined. Zeke Chen dimmed the light as he left her house.

Zeke was frustrated. He thought about what he should do to these women. Throw them down a well? The thought brought a smile to his face. Hang them in the tower? The second thought brought an even bigger smile to his face. But Zeke Chen knew that though he was the best merchant there was, he was ultimately not a violent man.

Zeke went to the house of the Fourth Mistress. His expectations were pretty low by now. The fact that his newest mistress had only seen eighteen summers also didn’t give much confidence that she would react favorably to his suggestion. When he came in the door, Fourth Mistress ran up to him and kissed him. This took him by surprise and made him blush. She ran back to the table and brought over some tofu, which she stuck in his mouth before he had a chance to protest. He had to admit it tasted good. She led him to a reclining chair, where she took his shoes off. Her main servant dutifully came over to rub his feet, but she sent her away and rubbed his feet herself! When she was done he felt relaxed and rejuvenated. He asked her if she was interested in television. She replied she was not. He asked her if she was interested in the computer. She replied that she was not. He asked her if she was interested in video games of any kind. She replied one more time that she was not. He then asked her if she wanted to go to a movie. She shouted excitedly and told him how much she loved movies. He got up and grabbed her hand and started for the door. He paused for a moment to get out the article that reviewed Raise the Red Lantern. She looked at it and smirked and pulled out an article of her own that reviewed a movie called Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience. Zeke had never heard of this before and when Fourth Mistress explained what it was about, he realized it was not something he could ever be interested in. He tried to explain to her that the article she had just showed him indicated this was not a movie of high quality, but this didn’t seem to matter to her. He complained he had had a hard week and was really too tired for a movie now anyway. She looked momentarily disappointed, but seemed to lighten up when she put in the earbuds attached to her iPod Shuffle and started rocking her head to the music.

Zeke went out to the lake located behind the compound. He took off his shoes and waded a few feet out into the water. He pulled himself up on a rock before reaching into his pocket. He pulled out his grandfather’s knife and pulled it away from him. Before he could bring the knife back into his chest, he noticed a picture had fallen out of his pocket onto the rock next to him. It was a photograph of the former First Mistress who, like Zeke, would have been in her fiftieth summer if she hadn’t died five winters ago. Zeke Chen pressed the picture against his heart and wept throughout the night.

THE END?

ALTERNATE LAST PARAGRAPH
BASED ON ZEKE CHEN’S LOSTLIKE SIDEWAYS REALITY

Zeke went out to the lake located behind the compound. He took off his shoes and waded a few feet out into the water. He pulled himself up on a rock before reaching into his pocket. Before he could pull anything out, all four of his mistresses jumped out from behind a tree and shouted birthday wishes to him as they ran out into the lake to him. As busy as the week had been, Zeke had forgotten all about the fiftieth anniversary of his birth. The mistresses brought him off the rock and they went to the neighborhood theater where they all enjoyed Raise the Red Lantern. After the movie was over they went back to the compound where they all went into his house. Zeke Chen got very little sleep that night.

THE END!

CITY LIGHTS (1931), THE GENERAL (1926), THE PAWNSHOP (1916), THE PALEFACE (1922)

Chaplin Fan: Good evening and welcome to Classic Movies Revisited. Tonight we are going to dredge up a debate that’s been going on for over eighty years. That is, deciding who was the king of silent film comedians, Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton. I’m Chaplin Fan. And please, let’s stick to the films and not hold against Charlie his succession of teenage wives or any political views.

Keaton Fan: And I’m Keaton Fan. And yes, don’t hold against my guy that he later appeared in Beach Blanket Bingo.

Chaplin Fan: Deal. Go on.

Keaton Fan: My submission for the jury is Buster’s 1926 classic The General and since we need to have a short as well, I have chosen The Paleface from 1922. Why, The Paleface? Well, because I had a copy handy on VHS.

Chaplin Fan: My submission for the jury is Charlot’s 1931 classic City Lights and since I needed to pick a short as well, I chose The Pawnshop from 1916. Why did I choose The Pawnshop? Because I had a Super 8mm copy of this film in the 70’s. and I wanted to relive the memory. So make your case for The Great Stone Face.

Keaton Fan: Gladly. First of all, the most important question to answer about any silent comedy is: was it funny? Well, yes. Keaton films are damn funny. You want physical comedy? Nobody could do their own stunts like Keaton. He was an amazing visual artist. He could make something simple like about to get burned at the stake in The Paleface funny just by moving slightly away from where the tribe is about to light the fire underneath him. And the stunts on the train during The General are not only funny, they forwarded the plot and some of them makes you wonder how in the world did he do that? And he wasn’t all about stunts. Subtle scenes like the Union general burning a hole in the tablecloth and Keaton using the hole to catch a glimpse of his true love were great. Chaplin was always the one that had a reputation for demonstrating pathos or sympathy for his character, but look at the final scene of The General where Keaton states his occupation as “soldier.” I dare you not to shed a tear to that one. Now make your case for The Little Tramp.

Chaplin Fan: Thank you. In viewing The Pawnshop and City Lights, I noticed Charlie’s growth from the most popular movie star in the world to the greatest artist in the world. Charlie could find comic gold in getting caught in a ladder, fixing a cuckoo clock or accidentally foiling a heist. And in City Lights, how can you beat the opening scene of the unveiling of a statue with the Little Tramp on its lap. And the last shot of the tramp smiling when the blind flower girl regains her sight. Find a more touching ending of any movie. EVER! I haven’t even talked about the boxing scene. Hilarious, masterful and better every time you see it. Charlie always worked with great supporting foils and feemes. John Rand, Edna Purviance and others in his films were the greatest supporting comic actors of the day and Chaplin wasn't afraid to use them-

Keaton Fan: -Hold on a second. Why are we arguing?

Chaplin Fan: I don’t know. We’ve always argued about this.

Keaton Fan: Why don’t we work together? I think Chaplin was great, just not as great as Keaton.

Chaplin Fan: And I think Keaton was great, just not as great as Chaplin.

Keaton Fan: Isn’t it hard enough to get a modern audience to appreciate any black & white movie, yet alone a silent one.

Chaplin Fan: I’m with you. It’s a comic art form in cinema that was unique and will never come back. Let’s appreciate it.

Keaton Fan: Work together?

Chaplin Fan: Together.

Keaton Fan and Chaplin Fan shake hands.

Keaton Fan and Chaplin Fan stare at each other in silence.

Keaton Fan: (pointing) Keaton is number one!

Chaplin Fan: (pointing back) Chaplin is number one!

Keaton Fan huffs and exits stage left.

Chaplin Fan huffs and exits stage right.

A giant title card drops on the stage which reads: THE END

RUN, LOLA, RUN (1998, GERMANY)

June 18, 1999. Chris has just seen Run, Lola, Run at the Midtown Art Cinema in Atlanta and is about to enjoy a cheesesteak at Woody’s on Monroe Drive with his friend, Eric. Chris currently has no girlfriend.

Eric: What did you think?

Chris: (after quickly swallowing a bite of cheesesteak) I’m still excited. What a great movie! Timing is everything in life. It’s a loose thread we hang by. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie that captures that thought so well.

Eric: Didn’t they cover the same territory in Groundhog’s Day?

Chris: Oh, please. This was miles ahead of Groundhog’s Day. Let’s face it. The German mind is just more creative that ours. The roots of their oppression coming out of the war have enabled them to have a creative flow that we fat, bloated Americans can’t relate to. It’s like the gospel tradition tracing its musical roots back to slavery. We privileged white boys can’t relate to this when our biggest problem is…

Eric: All I know is there isn’t enough cheese on this cheesesteak.

Chris: When our biggest problem is not having enough cheese on our cheesesteak.

Eric: That girl in the movie, though. Now, that’s my type. Young, kind of wild, cute in that kind of way…You know the kind of exotic way of European chicks?

Chris: Dream on, partner.

Eric: Anyway, what was the deal when she screamed loud enough to break the glass?

Chris: That was an homage to The Tin Drum. You know about Oskar the boy who wouldn’t grow up?

Eric: I never saw that one. I thought it was distracting when it switched to animation.

Chris: Try to tap a little into your artistic sense, Eric. The cartoon interludes wouldn’t have been as effective if they had been done with live actors. And those opening credits. “We’ve got a ball and 60 minutes…the rest is unknown.” Loved it.

Eric: (Pointing to a homeless man passed out at a nearby table) Hey, check out that guy over there.

Chris: Oh, that’s Mike, affectionately known as "The Mayor of Monroe Drive." They’ll shoo him out in a minute.

Eric: Anyway, I liked the music. Kept you on the edge of your seat.

Chris: The music was great. Reminded me of Miami Vice at its best.

Eric: I loved Miami Vice!

Chris: I know. I know. It's your favorite show. I know! (Chris and Eric begin pounding their fingers as drums, imitating the pulsing musical rhythms of Miami Vice before Mike lifts his head and gives them an annoyed look.)

Chris: (Stopping the beating with his fingers to use them to point at Eric.) Oh, and the split screen technique they used. That would be a cliché in lesser hands than Mr. Tykwer.

Eric: Who is Tykwer?

Chris: The director, Tom Tykwer and…boy that food didn’t set too well with me.

(Chris begins to hold onto his stomach.)

Eric: Hey! Are you okay?

(Chris looks dizzy and starts to sink his head to the table.)

Chris: No…Stop….I don’t want to leave.

June 18, 1999. Chris has just seen Run, Lola, Run at the Midtown Art Cinema in Atlanta and is about to enjoy a cheesesteak at Woody’s on Monroe Drive with his fiancée. Chris has been engaged for a week.

Chris: Well, what did you think, baby?

Chris’s fiancée: (Grabbing Chris’s hand) I think that will always be our first movie we’ve seen together since we’ve been engaged.

Chris: And I love you too. But what did you think?

Chris’s Fiancée: Well, it was pretty exciting in places, but I like a more traditional story. Don’t you, honey?

Chris: No…I mean yes. I’m just happy to see anything with you.

Chris’s Fiancée: Oh, you’re so sweet. (She takes a big bite of her sandwich)

Chris: I do love a girl who appreciates good cheesesteak.

Chris’s Fiancée: I’m starving for food…but not for love.

Chris: And love you I do.

Chris’s Fiancée: Even more than that pretty girl in the movie?

Chris: Yes, even more than the pretty girl in the movie.

Chris’s Fiancée: Maybe I’ll die my hair orange. Do you think that’s a good look for me?

Chris: Maybe…I mean no. You’re perfect exactly as you are.

Chris’s Fiancée: Oh, you know just what to say. But if we hadn't met, do you think you'd be saying I love you to someone else? Like they asked each other in the movie.

Chris: I missed most of that scene when I was in line at the concession getting you that giant tub of popcorn. But no, of course I wouldn't be.

Chris's Fiancée: Oh, you are such an angel. (Now whispering) Oh my, do you see that man passed out on the table over there?

Chris: That’s just Mike. He’s known affectionately as "The Mayor of Monroe Drive."

Chris’s Fiancée: Mayor?

Chris: Not a real mayor, lamb chop.

Chris’s Fiancée: That’s so sad. He probably had a love in his life just like you and I do and look at him now. He looks a little like the homeless man in the movie.

Chris: I guess. I missed some of that scene when I was in line at the concession getting you that giant box of Raisinets.

Chris’s Fiancée: Oh, I’m sorry that I made you miss part of the movie. If I had know the movie wasn’t even an hour and a half long, I certainly wouldn’t have made you get up so often.

Chris: Everything for you, my darling, is a labor of love.

Chris’s Fiancée: (Grabbing Chris’s hand once again) There you go again being so doggone sweet.

(Chris begins to hold onto his stomach.)

Chris: I guess that food didn't set too well with me.

Chris’s Fiancée: Honey? Honey Bunny? Are you all right?

(Chris looks dizzy and starts to sink his head to the table.)

Chris: No…Stop…I don’t want to leave.

June 18, 1999. Chris has just seen Run, Lola, Run at the Midtown Art Cinema in Atlanta and is about to have a cheesesteak at Woody’s on Monroe drive with Mike, a homeless man, better known as “The Mayor of Monroe Drive.” Chris’s final divorce papers came in earlier that day.

Chris: Hey, Mike. Here you go. Have part of my cheesesteak. I can’t eat it all. I filled up too much on Budweiser.

(Mike nods his head in thanks before beginning to chow down)

Chris: (Grabbing his chest) You know, Mike I just saw this movie. German. Run, Lola, Run. Thought it was crap. Derivative. Kind of like Groundhog’s Day, just not funny. And what good would Groundhog’s Day be if it weren’t funny?

(Mike shrugs)

Chris: And that music! Sounded like leftovers from Miami Vice for God’s sake. Well, you know how those Germans are don’t you Mike? Regimented. Disciplined. You really think all that there Nazi blood can be completely diluted after just a couple of generations?

(Mike shakes his head)

Chris: All right. All right. Maybe I’m off base there. Oh, yeah. Those parts where the girl screamed and broke glass. Can you believe it? Just like in The Tin Drum. It’s like they said “why don’t we blatantly ripoff a good movie and put it in our own bullshit movie?”

(Mike ignores the question and takes the final bite of his portion of The Philly Cheesesteak.)

Chris: And all that split screen. Wasn’t that something right out of Bewitched? You know when Samantha talked to her cousin? Well, it wasn’t exactly like that in the movie. But it’s what it made me think of. Come on, now. Why are you interrogating me, Mike?

(Mike shrugs again)

Chris: And that girl. Pretty, I guess. But those are the worst kind, Mike. They suck you in like a vacuum cleaner and spit you out when your bones are nothing but marrow. At least a robber might knock you over the head, take your money and go away. But a woman. A woman will remove a part of you like a jigsaw puzzle…Wait, that’s not quite right. A woman will dissect you alive, one layer of skin at a time. (Chris begins to hold onto his stomach.) Boy, that food didn’t set too well with me. No…Stop….I don’t want to leave.

(Chris looks dizzy and starts to sink his head to the table.)

Mike stares at Chris who is passed out on the table.
Mike pokes him a couple of times.
Chris grunts.
Mike shrugs.
Mike finishes Chris’s portion of the cheesesteak.