MY DARLING CLEMENTINE (1946)

I was about to type the beginnings of my latest movie blog when what I now refer to as the event occured. One minute I was rubbing my chin thinking what to say and the next minute a cosmic beam enveloped me and everything went black.

It was a few moments later that I woke up in a small and sterile room. My head was pounding but I immediately saw that I wasn’t alone. To my left was a Vulcan scholar (whose name I soon learned was Kafe). To my right was a Klingon Warrior (whose name was Kon) and in front of me was a Borg Queen (who simply went by “Borg Queen”).

Borg Queen licked her lips and gave me a look that made me think she wanted to devour me like some sort of jelly doughnut. Kafe the Vulcan raised his left eyebrow and began to look me over as if I were a rat in some sort of extra terrestrial lab experiment.

Kon the Klingon was the first to speak and did so with a great force. “A Terran! I knew we would be seeing one of your kind soon!”

“Do not be aggressive Mr. Kon,” Kafe the Vulcan said. "By the looks of him, he seems as in the dark on our reason for being brought here as we are.”

“Well, what do you say…man.” Borg Queen said, emphasizing my gender a little more strongly than made me comfortable.

“I haven’t a clue,” I said. “I was sitting at my computer, working on my movie blog and the next thing I remember I saw a flash of light and was transported here.”

The other three looked knowingly at each other.

“Movie blog, eh.” Kon said. “It wouldn’t be based on the book 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die?”

“Good God. You’re right! How would a Klingon know about that? ”

Kon became angry and I thought for a minute he was going to lunge for me. “Are you saying that Klingons are too stupid to know about these things?”

“Kon.” The Borg Queen interrupted. “Don’t act so indignant. When we found out that we all had movie blogs, we were all surprised.”

“Yes.” Kafe said, turning to me. “It would seem to be the distinct feature that links us all. We all keep a blog on what you humans call the Internet, writing about the movies from the book Mr. Kon mentioned.

I sat back and laughed. “First of all, I can’t believe different alien races are doing the same things I am with a blog. Especially dealing with strictly earth movies! And why would we be brought together? Are we being observed somehow?”

“That is the logical theory.” Kafe said.

There was a side panel in the room that had already been broken into by the Klingon that triggered the door to open slightly, but the others informed me that this and all other attempts to escape had met with complete failure. They had also been unsuccessful in their attempts to make any contact with whoever our captor might be.

I resigned myself to my situation and began to talk to my fellow captives. I learned a great deal about their culture and their life. I also learned about what movies they liked when they posted reviews on their blog.

Not surprisingly, Klingon blogger Kon tended to like action movies such as The Great Escape, Mad Max and Die Hard. His reviews tended to be right to the point:
Die Hard-“Kicks Ass.”
and a romance like Pretty Woman-“Sucks Balls.”

Kafe the Vulcan blogger liked movies like Last Year at Marienband, 8 ½ and An Andalusian Dog. When I questioned him why he liked arty type movies, he replied that since film is a medium that lends itself to creative interpretation, it is most logical to accept films that are done with the most artistic flair.

“That makes sense, I guess.” I said.

Borg Queen's favorites inlcuded Titanic, Gone With the Wind and Star Wars. I realized as she was reading off her list, she had a decided preference for the most viewed films of all time. When I questioned her about this, she laughed and said how it makes it easier to assimilate into the collective when you have a packed theater. I wasn’t sure if she was serious or not, Kon growled in her direction when she mentioned anything about assimilating into the collective.

They asked me what my favorite type of films were and my answer was that one of the things I liked about the 1001 Movies book was that it gave me an excuse to see films of all types. I mentioned that I was currently writing about the John Ford Western, My Darling Clementine.”

Kon and Borg Queen smiled in acknowledgment and Kafe the Vulcan nodded.

“Yes, Yes.” Kon added. “That book sure loves Westerns doesn’t it?”

“It does seem based on the various types of genres that humans have converted into celluloid, it would appear the book has a more than adequate number of the type of film you commonly refer to as Westerns," Kafe said.”

“We gonna form ourselves a posse.” The Borg Queen added as she mocked twirling a lasso over her head.

“Hold on a second.” I said. The Western has been a genre that has given us some of our classic films. My Darling Clementine has the famous gunfight at the O.K. Corral and a memorable soft spoken hero in Wyatt Earp. It really is a movie to see. I defend its inclusion in the book.”

“Yes, yes. But this talk is getting us nowhere,” Kon said. “I want out of here!”

Kon slammed his mighty Klingon fist into the control panel. Circuits buzzed, but the door didn’t open any further. Instead, music came out of the ceiling that was clearly recognizable as a harmonica.

As the music began, I instinctively walked to the center of the room where I met the Borg Queen. We grabbed each others hands and began to slow dance. I put my head on her shoulder and we both began whispering the words:

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine,
Dwelt a miner, forty-niner,
And his daughter Clementine.

I wasn’t sure why I started to cry while we were dancing, but the tears just flowed from me. After the music stopped, I had trouble separating my body from her. Finally, the Klingon pulled us apart.

“Why don’t you two rent a room?” Kon said.

“It wasn’t that I desired her, it was more a desire to be part of her.” I said.

Kafe the Vulcan turned to me and said, “I think it is in your best interest to avoid direct physical contact with the Borg Queen if maintaining a distinct identity is important to you.”

Borg Queen exhaled and fanned herself with her hand as if overheated.

“Well, as I was saying,” I said, trying to change the subject..””What..uh…films are you guys working on?”

“Independence Day,” the Borg Queen piped in. “They don’t get all the facts right, but it is…popular.”

“Well, the latest film in my queue is. ahem…Terms of Endearment.” Kon the Klingon said.

I tried not to laugh at the thought of a Klingon watching the Shirley MacLaine/Jack Nicholson romantic comedy. “And how did you like it?” I asked him.

“It sucked balls!”

At least he was consistent.

I looked at the Vulcan. “What about you, Kafe?”

“I just finished watching Judgement at Nuremberg.”

“Judgement at Nuremberg?” Borg Queen and Kon said together.

“Judgement at Nuremberg isn’t in the book!” I said. “It should be, but that’s not the point. A true 1001 Movie blogger would know that. Don’t you think it’s time to end this charade, Mr. Kafe?”

The Vulcan slammed his hand angrily into his knee. “I can’t believe you people actually memorize the movies that are in that damn book.” At this point he was swarmed over by a streaming light and in his place appeared an alien that bore a striking resemblance to Henry Fonda.

“Hey, you look like Gary Cooper!” The Borg Queen said. She stood up and shuffled her feet and sang, “Tryin’ hard to look like Gary Cooper…super duper.”

“Enough singing!" Kon said to her. “Besides, it’s Henry Fonda he looks like, not Gary Cooper.”

The Henry Fonda alien smiled. “Greetings. Pardon our intrusion on your lives, but our race only wanted to see how different alien life forms interpret similar types of movies. The results were most enlightening until you found us out.”

“Making us prisoners in your little laboratory is the wrong way to go about this. I think I speak for Borg Queen and Kon when I say this,” I said.

The Borg Queen and the Klingon took a step forward as they nodded in solidarity.

The Henry Fonda alien started to comment but I cut him off. “I’m not really interested in anything more you have to say. You may look like Mister Roberts, but you have a lot to learn about how to treat others with respect and dignity.”

He tried to again to talk, but I held up my hand to stop him. “I just have one more thing to say to you," I said. "GET OFF MY BLOG.”

The Henry Fonda alien faded slightly before disappearing completely.

I looked around at my new comrades for what I knew might be the last time. Kon stuck out a beefy hand which I shook. “I vow to try from now on to be more accepting of movies that might not have that much action in it,” the Klingon said.

I smiled at him. “Kon, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

The Klingon gave me a fist bump before exiting through the now open door.

Borg Queen looked at me and I thought I saw her eyes glazing over.

“I think I’ll miss you most of all,” I said.

She put a hand up to shield herself from the sight of me. “Just go back to your little blog.” she said.

“Don’t be upset,” I said. “We’ll always have…whatever this place is.”

The Borg Queen left through the open door without saying another word..

I sat down and took a breath before the cosmic beam enveloped me once again.