JAWS (1975)

There was no bigger summer movie in 1975 than Jaws.

Check that. There has never been a bigger summer movie in history than Jaws.

When I first saw it in the theater, me and my friend Steve sat through it twice. Some of the patrons during the second show didn’t appreciate Steve shouting out some of the lines in the movie right before the actors said them, but I guess some people just don’t appreciate performance art.

I wrote this play based on Jaws the following school year during my Home Economics class. Yes, it was Home Economics and I should have been learning how to use a sewing machine. But I defied my teachers and said, “Sorry, Ms. Wherli, but satire awaits!” Ms. Wherli didn’t appreciate my rebellion and gave me what she considered an appropriate grade at the end of the quarter. How can you fail Home Economics? I guess if you have a teacher that prescribes to such rigid grading scheme you can! I guess she didn't appreciate performance art, either.

Anyway, I’ve blown the cobwebs from my old notebook paper and placed my play here for what it's worth. The last page is missing, so I’ve had to rewrite the ending.



Jaw-Bones from January 1976

Narrator: We now go to a small Long Island town where the swimming is popular and we see a weird old man named Simon Oates holding a broken tree branch pretending to be on television.

Oates: (into the branch) Howdy out there, ladies and gentlemen. Simon Oates here on the beach. I am now going out into the water to teach you how to swim. (Oates paddles out into the water not knowing what dangers lurk ahead.) Now let us learn. The first thing you do is "Blppp." Ouch! What the Hell was that? Ahhh, my leg. Oh! Ah! Ahhhhh!

(Next morning, a young man named Ole Olson walks down by the beach seeing the remains of this weird old man.)

Olson: Yuck! Yick! Uck! Barf! What happened to you mister? You look...you look...dead. Oh, wait. You are dead. Help! Help! Murder! I got to go call the police.

(At exactly 7:57 A. M., Olson calls the Amity Police Department and the phone is answered by Chief Martin Brody.)

Brody: Hello, Amity police department, where being smart doesn't matter.

Olson: Officer, there's a man on the beach whose face is completely turn off, his arms and legs dismantled and his guts are all over the beach.

Brody: Is he dead?

Olson: That’s a possibility.

Brody: I'll be there in a jiffy

(15 minutes later at the beach, Brody arrives and greets Olson)

Brody: Hello Mr. Olson. Where's the body?

Olson: Under this sheet.

Brody: Let me see. (He lifts up the cover) Yuck, yick, uck, barf!

Olson: What could have done this?

Brody: Let's see...an out of control boat, a poorly manufactured paper shredder, a shark, a...

Olson: You mean a shark could have done this? I'll go see Dr. Omar Dingle.

Brody: Hey, that's my line! I'LL go see Dr. Omar Dingle. Now get on out of here, you're just a minor character anyway.

(Now at Omar Dingle's place, we see Brody bringing the body to Dr. Dingle to verify the shark attack.)

Omar: All right, Brody. Let me take a look. (He looks under the cover.)
Yuck, yick, uck, barf! That's a shark attack all right!

Brody: Are you sure?

Omar: Does Tarzan have smelly armpits?

Brody: I must find someone to help me track down this shark!

Omar: But who? Or is it whom? I can never remember.

Brody: I know a shark specialist. His name is Matt Hooper. Are you positive this couldn't have been done by a poorly manufactured paper shredder?

Omar: I'm sure that only a shark, a really, really big shark could have done this dirty deed.

(Later at the beach, we see a country bumpkin swimming by himself. The beach now has a"No Swimming" sign, which Billy Bob McCoy is attempting to read.)

Billy Bob: I'll just mosey on down to that big river and I'll...What's on this here sign? No swinging? Well, heck fire. I'm not going swingin’. I'm goin' a swimmin.'

Billy Bob: (Now in the water) Boy, ain't it quaint, just relaxing in the water and ...blppp! Ye Ha. Dagnabit.Some carnfondid fish just bit my pants off. Wouldn't be so bad, but my lag was in it. (Crunching sound) Yaaa Yooo Yaw Yuw Yow Ahhh!

(Back at Dr. Dingle's office, Billy Bob's body has been found. Brody and shark hunter Hooper arrive.)

Hooper: So gentleman, what's this I hear about a shark attack?

Brody: We've had two of them. Omar, show him the one we found last night.

(Hopper looks at the body.)
Hooper: Well, there's just one thing to say. Yuck, yick, uck, barf! Oh, my! This shark must be thirty feet long!

Brody: What kind of shark could have done this?

Hooper: A tiger shark.

Brody and Omar: A WHAT?

Hooper: Never mind. Martin, we've got to get someone with the capabilities of destroying the shark.

Brody: But who?

Hooper: Sir Edmon Farquar, the English shark killer.

Brody: Does he make sea calls?

Hooper: You bet, Martin, You bet.

Brody: Between the three of us, we're bound to catch the shark. Matt, go get him and bring him back by 4:57 P.M. Make sure he has all his equipment make sure he know the area, and make sure you are back on time!

Hooper: Ya vo, mein fureher!

(After Hooper leaves, Brody sits at his office enjoying a bottle of yahoo. The chocolate drink for men, a tattooed sea salt comes into Brody's office.)

Quint: Aye Maties, Quints me name, killing sharks is me game.

Brody: Do you really think you can kill this shark?

Quint: Can't you tell I'm a rought exteriored, sea soaked, horn swaggled salty dawg?

Brody: What's your fee?

Quint: Ten grand.

Brody: Don't call us. We'll call you.

Quint: When you change your mind, I'll be at the Quasi Moto resort for rough exteriored, sea soaked, horn swaggled salty dawgs.

(Quint leaves as Hooper returns with the English shark hunter.)

Hooper: Martin. I'd like you to meet Sir Edmond Farquar.

Brody: How do you do?

Farquar: Ah. Pip, pip. Cherrio and all that kind of rot.

Brody: Let's get down to business. How much do you want for this extermination?

Farquar: Ten

Brody: Ten? Are you crazy? I just had an expert come in here a minute ago and ask for 10. If I turn down an expert, why should I hire you?

Hooper: Martin. He doesn't want 10 thousand. He wants ten dollars. You see he's from Sussex and not too bright.

Brody: Sir Edmond, you're hired.

Farquar: A good decision, Mr. Brody. I'm a great whale hunter.

Brody: You mean shark hunter.

Farquar: Whatever.

(At the dock, we now see Hooper, Brody and Farquar loading up on Farquar's boat, "The Nausea.")

Brody: What equipment are you bringing?

Farquar: A net, a cage, a spare

Hooper: You mean a spear.

Farquar: Whatever.

(Later, out at sea)

Brody: Which direction are we going, Farquar?

Farquar: Westward, Marty my boy.

Brody: Why isn't Matt steering the boat?

Farquar: He's got it on automatic and he promised me he'd separate the equipment on the floor.

Brody: You mean the deck.

Farquar: Whatever.

Hooper: Farquar! Martin! I see something. It's big. 20 feet long at least, with teeth two feet long!

Brody: Is it a shark?

Hooper: Either that or the ugliest prom date you'd ever want to have.

Farquar: I'll shoot it with my gum.

Brody: You mean gun.

Farquar: Whatever.

Hooper: He's rocking the boat!

Farquar: I'll get him. (He fires. Kablamm! Kablamm!)
I'm falling! Help! (Brody manages to pull Farquar out of the water as the shark goes back under.)

Hooper: Get him out!

Brody: I got him. Are you all right?

Farquar: No, the flippin' fish bit off my arm.

Hooper: You mean leg.

Farquar: Whatever.

(The shark bobs up before going back down with Farquars legs hanging on his jaws. This gave Hooper, Brody and Farquar a chance to get back to shore and rush Farquar to a hospital. At the hospital, Dr.Dingle is checking Farquar.)

Omar: How is the pain, Mr. Farquar?

Farquar: I feel unstrong.

Omar: You mean weak?

Farquar: Whatever.

(Dr. Dingle goes out to talk to Hooper and Brody.)

Hooper: How is he, Doc?

Omar: You know this shark is good for business.

Brody: He asked how is he?

Omar: Oh that. He doesn't have a chance.

Hooper: If we have to, I'll tell him.

(Hooper goes into see Omar)

Hooper: Sir Edmond, your condition is...is fatal.

Farquar: Just as long as its nothing serious.

Hooper: But Edmond, your'e going to cry.

Farquar: You mean die.

Hooper: Whatever. You got me saying it now! Edmond, Edmond. Oh No.

(Hooper returns to the others.)

Hooper: He's dead.

Omar: I told you.

Brody: I'm going to hire Quint to kill the shark.
(Dramatic music plays in the background.)

(Brody and Quint meet in Brody's office.)

Brody: I've asked you to come here for one purpose.
To hire you to kill the shark.

Quint: I give you sharkies head and you give me 10 grand.

Brody: You're going to have to come down on your price.

Quint: How about you give me 10 grand and I give you sharkies head.

Brody: Now we're getting somewhere.

Quint: I'll need you to come along as me mate and I'll need someone
else to navigate me old buzzard.

Brody: Is that your ship?

Quint: No, that's me wife. Aye, aye, aye. A little sea humor there.

Brody: Matt Hooper will go with us.

Quint: Matt Hooper? Sounds like a vacuum cleaner.

Brody: That's Hooper, not Hoover.

Quint: All righty. Sounds like a basketball player then.

Brody: That works.

(Quint, Brody and Hooper are loading the ship)

Quint: I've got all me stuff to kill the beast. Hey, Hooper
what's all the crap you're bringing aboard.

Hooper: My cage, my dart gun and my-

Quint: You forgot your six-shooter, Tex. What do you think this is? Cowboys and Indians?

Hooper: These are a necessity in shark catching.

Quint: Phooey. With our splitting the money, I"m only getting $3,333.34 out of this.

Hooper: You are getting a penny more than us.

Brody: Stop arguing! Okey Dokey, guys?

Quint: Okey Dokey? I'm hunting sharks with Captain Kangaroo and Howdy Doody!

(At sea, a few hours later.)

Quint: Hooper, do you see the shark?

Hooper: I see him. I see him.

Quint: I got him on my line. Brody give me me harpoon. Hooper, I hope you got
me barrels secure. (He fires the harpoon) Got him!

(Quint manages to shoot three harpoons into the shark. However, the shark seems
unimpeded and goes underwater. That night, the three of them got drunk.)

Quint: HIc. I got this scar by a killer whale and this one from a swordfish.

Hooper: Oh, yeah! I got these scars by an electric eel and a tiger shark.

Brody and Quint: A WHAT?

Quint: You got any scars, Brody?

Brody: (showing his hand) Sawfish.

Hooper: Sawfish?

Brody: Yeah. I saw Fish Finnigan steal some cookies in third grade.
I said I would tell, so he scratched the "bleeep" out of my hand.

Quint: Great. I served on the Indianapolis and this land lubber is
telling me stories about a Chips Ahoy thief!

Hooper: Come on guys, let's all sing.

Quint: Hic! Okay

Brody, Hooper, Quint:
Show me the way to go home. Bum bum
I'm tired and I want to go to bed.
I had a little drink about an hour ago
and it went straight to my head.
Over land or sea or foam,
wherever I may roam.
You'll still hear me .....CRUNCH!

Hooper: Who said crunch? That's not how it goes.

Quint: It's the bloody shark, you twits!

(The shark goes down with a piece of the boat causing
the men to sober up quickly.)

Quint: Ah, he got away before I could blast him. But he'll be back.

Hooper: Let me go down in my cage and shoot him with my poison dart.

Quint: Go ahead. This boat can't last too much longer.

(Hooper goes down into the water and spots the shark. The shark, not
wanting to let a human get the best of him, hits the back of the cage
before reaching his jaws in and taking a bite out of Hooper.)

Hooper: Ugh. This is really bad for the liver.

(Back at the boat)

Brody: What's taking him?

Quint: He's dead.

Brody: Is not.

Quint: Is too.

Brody: Is not.

Quint: Is too.

(While they are aruging, the shark climbs onto the almost sunken boat and starts to pull Quint in.)

Quint: He's got me! Ahhh! Me insurance is really going to go up now. (The shark takes Quint's body underwater.

(The ship is almost completely underwater and Brody is hugging the ship's mast and has a rifle in his hand.)

THE REST OF THIS STORY IS LOST, SO I AM SUPPLYING A SUPPLEMENTARY ENDING

Brody: Looks like I'm done for and there's only one bullet left in this rifle.

(Brody sees a pressurized air tank floating towards the shark.)

Brody: Oh, my God! Maybe if that shark would swallow that pressurized air tank
and I could shoot my last bullet into its mouth... But what are the odds of that happening? Wait! He's going for it! He’s going for it! (The shark swallows the air tank) Better aim. Take that you son of a bitch! (He fires)

(The impact of the bullet against the air tank in the shark’s mouth causes the shark to explode.)

Brody: Woo Hoo! Our plot just jumped the shark and the term hasn't even been invented yet!

(Brody paddles back toward the shore on the fallen mast.)

Brody: So glad I survived that! I’m free to be in All That Jazz now!(Brody starts humming On Broadway as he continues to paddle back to shore.)

THE END