(Monster Chiller Horror Month films 11 & 12 of 14)
Aliens vs. Avatar
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Good evening. I’m Sigourney Weaver and this week’s battle on James Cameron Movie Elimination Showdown features to my left the Alien or should I say one of the aliens from the movie Aliens and to my right is one of the Na’Vi, Na-vee, uh, I’ll just call you Avatar to simplify things if you don’t mind. Now Mr. Alien. And I admit I didn’t know you could even talk. But go ahead and state your case.
ALIEN: Well nobody ever gave me much of a chance to talk in the movies. Always trying to kill me and the like.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Well, you were trying to kill me, too!
ALIEN: I wasn't trying to kill you really. You were just so distracting in your underwear, can I really be held accountable for my actions?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: (blushing) Flatterer.
AVATAR: I thought you were supposed to be a female?
ALIEN: It's called acting, you blue bozo!
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Anyway. State your case. Why is Aliens better than Avatar?
ALIEN: Well, we made…you and I and Cameron and a whole lot of people made and defined what a modern day action picture should be. Being a sequel actually helped us. We had the bonus of a setup before the action starts and never lets up.
AVATAR: Yes, but you do that at the expense of characters. Pretty one dimensional in my opinion.
ALIEN: Look who’s talking, Mr. "We stole our plot idea from Ferngully." And what about all that corny dialogue like (speaking formally) “You are now a son of the Omaticaya, Jakescully. You are the colors of the wind and rainbow and one with nature. a network of energy that flows through all living things, your spirit goes with Eywa.” Come on! It's Dances With Wolves on acid!
AVATAR: You’re one to talk. Why does Bill Paxton have to talk like an 80’s surfer dude in your movie? Isn’t it supposed to be set in the future?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: OK, Avatar. Why are you better?
AVATAR: Well. Only the most amazing special effects ever. Only the biggest box office hit of all time. It’s like a beautiful dream…only it’s real.
ALIEN: With stock characters you stole from Aliens. The Latino chick that kicks ass. The weasly little dweeb who is only after a buck. Recycled characterizations, blue boy!
AVATAR: Cameron refined these characters in Avatar…took away the flaws in their characterizations and made them more interesting, like the way we updated your prehistoric special effects.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Well, you got to admit when it comes to characterization, we are dealing with James Cameron and not Paddy Chayevsky.
(Alien and Avatar both laugh)
AVATAR: And we have, of course, the lovely Ms. Weaver in our picture as well. (Turning to Sigourney) If I hadn’t already chosen a mate, I would definitely consider you even if you are one of the skypeople.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Why you’re a flatterer too, but alas, I’m afraid its too late. The votes are in and the winner is….Aliens.
(Avatar raises his hands and curses in Na’Vi)
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: I’m sorry Avatar, but you’re terminated fucker!
(SIGOURNEY WEAVER pulls a lever and a trap door opens and the Avatar disappears.)
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Turning to the Alien. I always wanted to say that.
ALIEN: I thought your line was “Get away from her, you bitch.”
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: I’m the host of this show and I’ll use whichever damn James Cameron catchphrase I want! Do you understand?
(The Alien spreads his hands in mock surrender)
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: And speaking of The Terminator. Next week on James Cameron Movie Elimination Showdown, we have the Terminator T-800 facing off against Rose from Titanic. Ought to be quite a match up.
Good night for now and until next week…we’ll be back.
(The Alien and Sigourney Weaver wave goodbye to the audience as the screen fades to black.)
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