MOVIES FROM THE 1990'S (MONTH 2)

Since I STILL had quite a few movies from the 90's left on my 1001 list, I decided to re-watch ten this month that I've seen but haven't seen for awhile.

Thelma and Louise

Thelma and Louise is a sort of 90's feminist Easy Rider about a pair of women whose unfortunate circumstances lead them to be on the run from the law. The movie is a bit of a fantasy ride, yet still rings true more often than not. Mark this one down as one is even better than I remember. Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis are both excellent and Callie Khouri won a well-deserved Oscar for her strong screenplay.

The Sixth Sense

Another from the if you know what is going to happen it might not be as good a movie experience files, The Sixth Sense is a supernatural story that never pulls it's punches enough for you to figure out exactly what is going on underneath the surface until close to the end. That was true the first time I saw it and I still feel a bit dense about not figuring it out sooner. It's been hard for director and M. Night Shyamalan and star Haley Joel Osment to top their respective contributions here. Maybe some day.

Clueless

Clueless is one I'm less sure about. What is the connection to Jane Austen's Emma again? But I can see that this has a similar appeal to a later generation to the appeal that I have to Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I honestly didn't know both films were directed by Amy Heckerling until I watched Clueless again. I also got the opportunity to watch this one with my niece (she's a big fan of the film), which is always a plus.

Boogie Nights

Boogie Nights is the complex and funny character study of the pornography industry during the 70's and 80's. I liked writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson's flair and style in this film as well as his subsequent film, Magnolia. And where is my old Betamax copy of Debbie Does Dallas, anyway?

Short Cuts

After finally reading Raymond Carver's collection of stories on which it is based, I was looking forward to watching Robert Altman's adaptation of Short Cuts again after many years. Not of all of what Altman's fly by the seat of your pants filmmaking worked during his career, but it really works for Short Cuts. He takes Carver's stories and changes them where he needs to, has the characters interact with each other in ways they never did in the short stories and puts it all together as a cohesive whole. Some Carver purists may not approve, but I'm not among them. I think it's a brilliant film.

Magnolia

Magnolia is a film I also compare to Short Cuts because of multi-character nature of the piece. I like this one almost as much as Short Cuts, though the second half, where all the characters break into song for no reason and are attacked by a shower of frogs, doesn't quite live up to the first half. Still highly recommended with a fine cast headed by John C. Reilly as the world's nicest cop and Tom Cruise, who plays a cross between Tony Robbins and Andrew Dice Clay.

Rushmore

I have to admit, I liked Wes Anderson's Rushmore seeing it now more than when I first saw it. Teenage overachiever Max Fischer (Jason Schwartzman) and millionaire businessman Herman Blume (Bill Murray) vie for the affection of teacher Ms. Cross (Olivia Williams). It's a movie with a great deal of charm and warmth. Probably (now) my favorite of Anderson's movies.

The Crying Game

Part of The Crying Game game is watching it with someone who hasn't seen it before and see if they can guess the radical plot twist that happens about half way through the movie. Spoiler: My wife didn't see it come it and failed this test. Sorry, dear. Overall, the film works well as a thriller and as a social commentary on human sexuality as well. I also really like the scorpion/frog joke and try to use it in my own conversation where applicable.

Jurassic Park

Yes, dinosaurs are cool, I've always thought they were cool since I got those little dinosaur booklets at Sinclair stations when I was a kid. But maybe I'm just Jurassic Park'd out. I've read the book...seen all the films...seen Michael Crichton's Westworld, which is definitely a forerunner of Jurassic Park. Maybe I'm taking the special effects for granted and know how the plot is going to go and was a little bored by it this time out. I will say the triceratops was always my favorite dinosaur too, Dr. Grant! In fact I always rooted for him in my imaginary battles against T-Rex as depicted in the colorful picture from the Sinclair Dinosaur booklet below.

Saving Private Ryan

Who can forget that long and horrifying opening of Saving Private Ryan, which depicts D-Day in an unglorified and violent way that few war films had done before. We also get on board for an epic journey following the squad led by Captain Miller (Tom Hanks) that spends most of the movie searching for the elusive Pvt. Ryan (Matt Damon), who gets to go home because his brothers were all killed on Omaha Beach. And Spielberg won his second Oscar for this and a lot of people think it should have won Best Picture, too.  So, we can pretty much put this in the war classic category and move on, right? 

Not so fast.

I wanted to read famed screenwriter William Goldman's essay on Saving Private Ryan after I saw the movie again because I heard he dishes out some tough criticism on the film.

Goldman's major problem with Saving Private Ryan #1: The movie starts with an older man in modern times and his family visiting a veteran's cemetery in an emotionally charged scene. We fade to a close up of the man and cut to a flashback to the story which begins with the D-Day invasion. The logical assumption is that it this Captain Miller's (Tom Hanks) story until we discover at the end of the film that Captain Miller is killed and the man in the opening scene is Pvt. Ryan himself. The problem Goldman sees in this is that Ryan only comes into the movie at well past the half way point. How can he be recounting the story if he wasn't even there for most of it?

Goldman's major problem with Saving Private Ryan #2: The squad (minus two who have already been killed) finally locates Pvt. Ryan to take him back. However, Ryan stubbornly wants to stay with his squad and help his brothers in arms fight in the upcoming battle with the Germans. However, the ridiculous part for Goldman is the fact that Captain Miller's squad decides to join the other squad and fight the oncoming Germans! What? Now they are going against their mission after rigidly sticking to it for almost three hours of film time? Goldman points out that there would have been an easier out if they had just let Ryan stay and tried to get back but were blocked in by oncoming Germans and forced to stay and fight out of necessity.

Goldman's major problem with Saving Private Ryan #3: 
 Here is Goldman's direct quote.
The other disgrace of this storytelling is this: there is no pregnant moment to the story. (I'm not going all intellectual on you—remember, the Zipper scene and Matt Dillon trying to electrocute the dog back to life were my happiest moments this year in a theatre.) But all stories do and must have them. They are the reason the story is being told. The pregnant moment of Shakespeare in Love is this: Will has a block. We do not tell of Joe and Gwyneth after he's written King Lear—the whole point is the guy can't write anything. Armageddon happens when it happens because the meteor is on its way.

There is absolutely no reason for this story being told now since Matt has no specific reason for visiting the cemetery.

Goldman also has problems with the film's patriotic over-sentimentality during the modern day scenes (I disagree with him here. I find those scenes effective). He also hates Ryan's one long speech (the girl hit by an ugly stick one) which is the viewer's one opportunity to know something about Ryan and doesn't put him in an overly positive light. (I think he's right about that one.)

Anyway, food for thought from the always interesting Mr. Goldman.

Glad to revisit these films from the 90's, but there are plenty from this list that I've never seen....I'll take a look at some of those next month.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN (1957), DUEL (1971), I AM LEGEND (2007), TRILOGY OF TERROR (1975)

The Incredible Shrinking Man

The Incredible Shrinking Man is the story of a man named Scott Carey who is exposed to an unknown force and begins to slowly get smaller.  This film could have easily  fallen into the category of one of those 50's science fiction movies that is remembered more as camp, such as Attack of the 50 foot Woman or The Amazing Colossal Man, but always manages to rise above that level.

I love the special effects for this film. I mean this in the fact that there really was not much of a budget for special effects and the filmmakers had to get creative in making oversize household items or shrinking clothes or a giant book of matches or putting Scott in his daughter's dollhouse to be terrorized by the family cat! And don't get me started on that spider! This movie also was clearly an inspiration for one of the favorite shows of my childhood, Land of the Giants.

The Incredible Shrinking Man is based on a story by Richard Matheson. Matheson is one of my favorite writers, not only of science fiction stories, but other genres as well. His story collection Steel and other Stories is a fine short story collection, and reminiscent of Stephen King, who credits Matheson as being a major influence. I also enjoyed one of Matheson's last books, The Legend of the Gun, which was a straight up Western!

I looked up Matheson's IMDB writing resume, and it was impressive in how wide ranging it was. His credits are two numerous to mention, but I did go back and look at his Twilight Zone episode of Steel. (His most famous TZ is probably Nightmare at 20,000 Feet.) An altered version of the Steel story was made into the big budget movie Real Steel with Hugh Jackman.

The Twilight Zone: Lee Marvin in Steel

I also wanted to see Matheson's Duel, a  1971 TV movie about a man driving home that is terrorized by a truck (and presumably a driver) that relentlessly chases him down. Duel may be best remembered as the feature length debut of Stephen Spielberg. Glad I finally got around to seeing it! It's got lots of drama and action and has the fine Matheson story that Spielberg uses as a blueprint for what I think should still be in the director's top ten.

Dennis Weaver in Duel

I Am Legend is another famous Matheson book about dealing with vampires, zombies, the Apocalypse and the last man on earth. Despite the way it sounds, it's a largely introspective piece that if followed doesn't seem to lend itself to cinematic interpretation. But it has been brought to the screen several times. I have a friend that I asked about it and said he said they've made movies based on this book five times, none of them any good! The version I saw was the relatively recent one with Will Smith. I liked the movie okay and Smith is good, but I found myself wondering if the filmmakers had even read the book at all!

Will Smith and friend in I Am Legend

I finished my Mathesonfest with another TV movie from the early 70's, Trilogy of Terror, something I hadn't seen if forty years! The three Matheson stories all starring Karen Black are of varying quality, with the most famous of the trio having Black terrorized by a Zuni warrior doll. Many who saw this segment had nightmare about it for years to come.

That scary Zuni doll from Trilogy of Terror

E. T. (1982), TOOTSIE (1982)

What were the top five box office movies for each year of the 80's? Which ones were my favorites? Which were my least favorites? I'm not sure...I'll have to think about it. And without any further ado...

80's Top Box Office Month: 1982

And the top 5 box office movies for 1982 were...

1. E. T.
2. Tootsie
3. An Officer and a Gentleman
4. Rocky III
5. Porky's

Least favorite of the Top 5: 3-way tie between An Officer and a Gentleman, Rocky III and Porky's. I'm completely copping out on this one. The #3 through #5 movies of this year have positives and negatives.

Anyway, it's a three way tie for the bottom (or runner-up depending on your outlook)

Rocky III has more of the standard good Rocky fight scenes, the emergence of Mr. T as Clubber Lang and the interesting twist of Rocky and Apollo Creed becoming allies. It's okay, but not nearly as good as the first one. On the other hand, it's not nearly as bad as Rocky IV.

Rocky III

An Officer and a Gentleman has a winning romantic combination in Richard Gere and Debra Winger, a nice theme song and a memorable ending. It's also pretty emotionally manipulative and fairly predictable.

An Officer and a Gentleman

Porky's is a movie that I'm sure I liked better when I was a teenager than I would like now. It is pretty juvenile and relies heavily on juvenile humor of giving its characters names in accordance with their manhood (like Meat and Pee Wee.)  Hee Hee. It's a little funny at that.

Porky's

Favorite of the top 5: (tie) Tootsie and E. T. I figured since I copped out on the least favorite, I'd cop out on the favorites too. But how can you choose between Dustin Hoffman in drag in one of the best comedies of the 80's and the icon alien adventure E. T.? 

Well, I can't, though the Academy bypassed both for Gandhi that year, but that's another story.

Note to self: Be more decisive in the future about what you like and don't like.

Tootsie

E. T. The Extra-Terrestria

SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)

(Rod and Chip Go To the Movies, Part 5: Revelations)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The events depicted are real…sort of.

Sometime in 1993, 1994 or thereabouts

Rod and I met that night at the Phipps Plaza Mall to see a movie. It seemed like an impersonal if not corporate place to go see a film, but the theater was well kept, I must admit. Besides, I hadn’t been to see anything with Rod in quite awhile and was looking forward to his company. As we approached the ticket booth, he surprised me with his question.

Rod: “So, what do you think? Dumb and Dumber?”

Chip: C’mon. We haven’t seen a movie together in over a year. Don’t you think we need something with a little more substance?

Rod: (Eyeing the marquee) I know what you’re thinking, but sometimes I’m just not in the mood to see a holocaust movie. Actually, that’s most of the time.

Chip: Remember when we were in college and I wanted to see The Elephant Man, but you wanted to see Mother’s Day?

Rod: Vaguely…Yeah, I remember.

Chip: And we went to see Mother’s Day.

Rod: Hey!..I liked Mother’s Day. It had a certain appeal of its own. Not quite good and not quite campy, but somewhere in that happy space in-between. It was no Night of the Living Dead, but what is? But, uh. Yeah. I can’t really categorize it. It was a limbo movie.

Chip: A limbo movie? Yeah, I guess. Kind of like that movie Bug. You know, the one where the bugs begin to talk and spell words and take over the town and cause earthquakes.

Rod: No that one was closer to bad.

Chip: Anyway, my point is that we went to see what you wanted to see that night. Don’t you think you owe me?

Rod: No I don’t. But if you’re pea pickin’ heart is set on Schindler’s List, I guess I can tough it out.

Rod and Chip go buy a coke and Raisinets and some Chocolate Stars before heading into the theater. After finding a couple of seats near the middle of the theater, Chip notices Rod staring at an empty seat.

Chip: What are you staring at?

Rod: What? Oh, nothing...Hey, do you remember that guy Frank that we always ran into when we went to the Silver Screen or the Rhodes Theater?

Chip: Frank n’ Furter? How could I forget Frank n’ Furter? Or when we went to see Rocky Horror at a matinee and those people threatened Frank’s friends when they kept talking back to the screen?

Rod: (Imitating Chip) “It’s part of the show. Let them speak!” Yes, I’ll never forget you yelling that out. A rare public political statement from our man Chip.

Chip: That just kind of came out of me. And I’ll never forget my applause. And that actually shut them up if you recall and Frank acknowledged me with just a slight nod of his head.

Rod: Yes, you are now world renowned for the preservation of performance art in movie theaters everywhere.

Chip: (Sarcastically) You mock me sir! Like I always tell you. If you mock, I won't share. Anyway, what made you think about him?

Rod: Hang on. The movie is about to start.

Roughly three hours later

After watching Schindler’s List, Rod and Chip leave the theater and sit down on a bench outside the mall.

Chip: That was something else. (Rod doesn’t respond) What did you think, old man?

Rod: I think I need to do something.

Chip: Bathroom is right around the corner…. (Rod doesn’t respond) Fine, I’ll bite. What kind of something do you need to do, Mr. Rod?

Rod: How many movies have you and I gone to see together over the years?

Chip: I don’t keep a running total. I do know the first one we saw was L'Avventura. I confess I didn't like it at age 14. Of course, it's one of my all-time favorites now. As far as a total number, I'm sure it’s well into the hundreds by now, I’m sure.

Rod: Yeah, in the hundreds. That sounds about right.

Chip: So what is it you want to do?

Rod: I think I’m going on that dig out West.

Chip: You mean actual archaeology? Use your degree? I thought you said you weren’t interested in that.

Rod: Look, Chip. We aren’t nineteen anymore. I have this opportunity and I think I should do it. It’s a bit romantic to say that I want to find the origin of man or whatever may else may rise to the surface beneath a pickaxe. But it would be a first hand look into our past. How man became what he is today. For better or for worse.

Chip: Boy, all these life revelations just because we saw this movie. I’m wishing we had just gone to see Dumb and Dumber now.

Rod: You know who I saw in the theater? In that empty seat?

Chip: No. But I think you’re going to tell me.

Rod: Frank. Our old cross dressing friend Frank n Furter. He was there. I swear! He was watching us. Watching us from another plane.

Chip: Like a ghost? You’re saying we were being spied on by a transvestite Casper?

Rod: Now it’s your turn to mock me. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably do the same, but I know what I saw.

Chip doesn’t respond. They both rise.

Rod: I think I’m going to head for home. I need to start packing right away. That bus leaves tomorrow. And don’t look so glum. I may be back some day.

Chip: I know. If you don’t get on that bus, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but by next week I’m sure regret will have kicked in by then. Well, all I can say is good luck. I would hug you, but we aren’t really the hugging types.

Rod: You can go hug your kid.

Chip: Huh. He’s three years old and we’ve never even had a conversation about him before.

Rod: Yeah. Sometimes the two of us can be a little superficial aren’t we? Very well.. No hugs, but I could give you a hearty hand clasp.

Chip: That would be okay.

Rod: What’s that from again?

Chip: The Bank Dick. Or was it It’s a Gift? I know it was one of those W. C. Fields movies.

Rod: (Giving Chip a hearty hand clasp) You know Louie, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Rod waves before starting to walk away

Chip: (As Rod begins to walking away) Here’s looking at you, kid!

As Rod goes out of view, Chip sits back down and pulls out the box of candy from his pocket and notices there are a couple of Raisinets that stuck to the bottom of the box, which he consumes.

Chip: (to himself) He’ll be back.

Rod and Chip never went to a movie together again.

OR DO THEY? JOIN US NEXT FOR OUR FINAL INSTALLMENT TO FIND OUT!

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)

It’s been thirty years since the release of Stephen Spielberg’s Raiders of the Lost Ark. It is an almost unanimously beloved film by audiences and critics alike. However, there are exceptions…

I’m on the phone with noted New York film critic Simon Johnson, who was one of the few critics who disliked this movie at its release.

Me: First of all, thank you for joining me. So has time changed or at least tempered your view of Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Simon Johnson: Is it overly succinct to just say that “No, it hasn’t.”

Me: You still haven’t come around, I see. So let’s rehash what your problem with it is.

Simon Johnson: I believe my original article said “Unlike Lucas’s Star Wars, which at least scraped the corpses of some decent representations of celluloid past, Raiders of the Lost Ark unearths the remains of a long discarded adventure genre and revives it as a hulking, feral pastiche that should have remained underground and forgotten.”

Me: You further stated that Raiders of the Lost Ark was the beginning of the end. Do you still believe that?

Simon Johnson: If you want to be technical, it could more accurately be described as the end of the end. Jaws threw the body in the coffin. Star Wars slammed the lid. Raiders of the Lost Ark nailed it shut.

Me: Would you embellish please.

Simon Johnson: Right. Let’s explore today’s film of choice, shall we? Spielberg-Lucas or, really I just call them Lucasberg. I can’t tell the difference really. Lucasberg loved the old Republic serials of the 30’s. But I’m sure even they would admit that they were poorly made. So what we have here is a reproduction of a copy that wasn’t all that good in the first place.

Me: But don’t you think Spielberg just used those as a blueprint and made it into something uniquely his own?

Simon Johnson: That seems to be the common view. And the common view is misguided.

Me: But what about all those iconic scenes like Indiana being chased by a giant boulder?

Simon Johnson: If that thrills you, I suggest you go to Disney World and see the Indiana Jones stunt show. I prefer to see a movie.

Me: So this is the first time you’ve seen it in thirty years. Please restate some of the specifics of your criticisms.

Simon Johnson: There’s too many to name, I’m afraid. I wouldn’t want to take up too much of your time or mine either, for that matter. Let’s take the villains, the Nazis. I saw more depth from Colonel Klink in Hogan’s Heroes. Cardboard cutouts are indeed easy to kill. What else? The introduction of the snakes. He doesn’t like snakes. And later we have the inevitable snake scene. A little foreshadowing is good. An overabundance can be fatal.

It's also interesting that the DVD release has renamed it Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Is that so the audience won’t get it confused with Pee Wee Herman and the Raiders of the Lost Ark?

What else? Oh, I like the way they plaster a map on the screen every time they change countries. Not being over patronizing to our audience are we?

Oh, the exposition scene at the school where they go on about why they are searching for the ark in the first place. Not only is it confusing, it’s so slow, I began to nod off with its tediousness! I know you need to get the ark. Get on with it! It made me actually miss the mindless action.

Me: What about the music?

Simon Johnson: Yes, let’s not have anything of consequence happen in this movie without cranking up the theme song. Certainly the images and the character development aren’t enough to allow me to know how to think, so I can see the need for the John Williams clash of symbols every few minutes to tell me when something of significance is happening.

Me: Well, what about the scene where the guy in Cairo spins his weapon only to be disposed of with one shot by Indiana? That always gets a big laugh.

Simon Johnson: Glad you brought that scene up. Indicative of American arrogance, I’m afraid. It’s that type of behavior that has allowed the spread of Colonialism to go practically unchallenged for hundreds of years. But what the heck! Those Nepalese or Egyptians are just a bunch of towel heads who can’t do anything but jump, shout, laugh or shoot a rifle repeatedly in the air while chanting, right? Calling them one-dimensional is an insult to other one-dimensional characters.

Oh, and what about the choice of the naming the main character after an American state? Practically screams out. “I’m an American. I can do whatever I want!” It has more arrogance than a Jane Austen novel!

Me: Jane Austen?

Simon Johnson: If you aren’t sure what I’m referring to, I think you need to read some Edward Said and get back to me on that issue.

Me: Ok. Lets’ see…What about Karen Allen? You’ve got to like Karen Allen.

Simon Johnson: I do. She’s the film’s true hidden treasure. And what did they do with this valuable commodity when they made the next film?

Me: They dumped her.

Simon Johnson: They dumped her.

Me: Yes, I think I actually agree with you on that point. I do have one more question for you. It’s a general one. Why don’t film critics ever change their mind? I see things all the time I feel differently about over time or change my opinion because of my mood or maybe I just see something in second viewings that I didn’t see the first time.

Simon Johnson: I guess that is the chasm that separates someone like me from someone like you. A work of art is what it is. Andrew Sarris changed his mind once. We almost had to kick him out of the club.

Me: Thank you for joining me.

Simon Johnson: A pleasure, I’m sure. Since next year is the anniversary of Porky’s, I’m sure you’ll be dialing me up again.

Me: That was Simon Johnson, acerbic, opinionated and controversial as always.

JAWS (1975)

There was no bigger summer movie in 1975 than Jaws.

Check that. There has never been a bigger summer movie in history than Jaws.

When I first saw it in the theater, me and my friend Steve sat through it twice. Some of the patrons during the second show didn’t appreciate Steve shouting out some of the lines in the movie right before the actors said them, but I guess some people just don’t appreciate performance art.

I wrote this play based on Jaws the following school year during my Home Economics class. Yes, it was Home Economics and I should have been learning how to use a sewing machine. But I defied my teachers and said, “Sorry, Ms. Wherli, but satire awaits!” Ms. Wherli didn’t appreciate my rebellion and gave me what she considered an appropriate grade at the end of the quarter. How can you fail Home Economics? I guess if you have a teacher that prescribes to such rigid grading scheme you can! I guess she didn't appreciate performance art, either.

Anyway, I’ve blown the cobwebs from my old notebook paper and placed my play here for what it's worth. The last page is missing, so I’ve had to rewrite the ending.



Jaw-Bones from January 1976

Narrator: We now go to a small Long Island town where the swimming is popular and we see a weird old man named Simon Oates holding a broken tree branch pretending to be on television.

Oates: (into the branch) Howdy out there, ladies and gentlemen. Simon Oates here on the beach. I am now going out into the water to teach you how to swim. (Oates paddles out into the water not knowing what dangers lurk ahead.) Now let us learn. The first thing you do is "Blppp." Ouch! What the Hell was that? Ahhh, my leg. Oh! Ah! Ahhhhh!

(Next morning, a young man named Ole Olson walks down by the beach seeing the remains of this weird old man.)

Olson: Yuck! Yick! Uck! Barf! What happened to you mister? You look...you look...dead. Oh, wait. You are dead. Help! Help! Murder! I got to go call the police.

(At exactly 7:57 A. M., Olson calls the Amity Police Department and the phone is answered by Chief Martin Brody.)

Brody: Hello, Amity police department, where being smart doesn't matter.

Olson: Officer, there's a man on the beach whose face is completely turn off, his arms and legs dismantled and his guts are all over the beach.

Brody: Is he dead?

Olson: That’s a possibility.

Brody: I'll be there in a jiffy

(15 minutes later at the beach, Brody arrives and greets Olson)

Brody: Hello Mr. Olson. Where's the body?

Olson: Under this sheet.

Brody: Let me see. (He lifts up the cover) Yuck, yick, uck, barf!

Olson: What could have done this?

Brody: Let's see...an out of control boat, a poorly manufactured paper shredder, a shark, a...

Olson: You mean a shark could have done this? I'll go see Dr. Omar Dingle.

Brody: Hey, that's my line! I'LL go see Dr. Omar Dingle. Now get on out of here, you're just a minor character anyway.

(Now at Omar Dingle's place, we see Brody bringing the body to Dr. Dingle to verify the shark attack.)

Omar: All right, Brody. Let me take a look. (He looks under the cover.)
Yuck, yick, uck, barf! That's a shark attack all right!

Brody: Are you sure?

Omar: Does Tarzan have smelly armpits?

Brody: I must find someone to help me track down this shark!

Omar: But who? Or is it whom? I can never remember.

Brody: I know a shark specialist. His name is Matt Hooper. Are you positive this couldn't have been done by a poorly manufactured paper shredder?

Omar: I'm sure that only a shark, a really, really big shark could have done this dirty deed.

(Later at the beach, we see a country bumpkin swimming by himself. The beach now has a"No Swimming" sign, which Billy Bob McCoy is attempting to read.)

Billy Bob: I'll just mosey on down to that big river and I'll...What's on this here sign? No swinging? Well, heck fire. I'm not going swingin’. I'm goin' a swimmin.'

Billy Bob: (Now in the water) Boy, ain't it quaint, just relaxing in the water and ...blppp! Ye Ha. Dagnabit.Some carnfondid fish just bit my pants off. Wouldn't be so bad, but my lag was in it. (Crunching sound) Yaaa Yooo Yaw Yuw Yow Ahhh!

(Back at Dr. Dingle's office, Billy Bob's body has been found. Brody and shark hunter Hooper arrive.)

Hooper: So gentleman, what's this I hear about a shark attack?

Brody: We've had two of them. Omar, show him the one we found last night.

(Hopper looks at the body.)
Hooper: Well, there's just one thing to say. Yuck, yick, uck, barf! Oh, my! This shark must be thirty feet long!

Brody: What kind of shark could have done this?

Hooper: A tiger shark.

Brody and Omar: A WHAT?

Hooper: Never mind. Martin, we've got to get someone with the capabilities of destroying the shark.

Brody: But who?

Hooper: Sir Edmon Farquar, the English shark killer.

Brody: Does he make sea calls?

Hooper: You bet, Martin, You bet.

Brody: Between the three of us, we're bound to catch the shark. Matt, go get him and bring him back by 4:57 P.M. Make sure he has all his equipment make sure he know the area, and make sure you are back on time!

Hooper: Ya vo, mein fureher!

(After Hooper leaves, Brody sits at his office enjoying a bottle of yahoo. The chocolate drink for men, a tattooed sea salt comes into Brody's office.)

Quint: Aye Maties, Quints me name, killing sharks is me game.

Brody: Do you really think you can kill this shark?

Quint: Can't you tell I'm a rought exteriored, sea soaked, horn swaggled salty dawg?

Brody: What's your fee?

Quint: Ten grand.

Brody: Don't call us. We'll call you.

Quint: When you change your mind, I'll be at the Quasi Moto resort for rough exteriored, sea soaked, horn swaggled salty dawgs.

(Quint leaves as Hooper returns with the English shark hunter.)

Hooper: Martin. I'd like you to meet Sir Edmond Farquar.

Brody: How do you do?

Farquar: Ah. Pip, pip. Cherrio and all that kind of rot.

Brody: Let's get down to business. How much do you want for this extermination?

Farquar: Ten

Brody: Ten? Are you crazy? I just had an expert come in here a minute ago and ask for 10. If I turn down an expert, why should I hire you?

Hooper: Martin. He doesn't want 10 thousand. He wants ten dollars. You see he's from Sussex and not too bright.

Brody: Sir Edmond, you're hired.

Farquar: A good decision, Mr. Brody. I'm a great whale hunter.

Brody: You mean shark hunter.

Farquar: Whatever.

(At the dock, we now see Hooper, Brody and Farquar loading up on Farquar's boat, "The Nausea.")

Brody: What equipment are you bringing?

Farquar: A net, a cage, a spare

Hooper: You mean a spear.

Farquar: Whatever.

(Later, out at sea)

Brody: Which direction are we going, Farquar?

Farquar: Westward, Marty my boy.

Brody: Why isn't Matt steering the boat?

Farquar: He's got it on automatic and he promised me he'd separate the equipment on the floor.

Brody: You mean the deck.

Farquar: Whatever.

Hooper: Farquar! Martin! I see something. It's big. 20 feet long at least, with teeth two feet long!

Brody: Is it a shark?

Hooper: Either that or the ugliest prom date you'd ever want to have.

Farquar: I'll shoot it with my gum.

Brody: You mean gun.

Farquar: Whatever.

Hooper: He's rocking the boat!

Farquar: I'll get him. (He fires. Kablamm! Kablamm!)
I'm falling! Help! (Brody manages to pull Farquar out of the water as the shark goes back under.)

Hooper: Get him out!

Brody: I got him. Are you all right?

Farquar: No, the flippin' fish bit off my arm.

Hooper: You mean leg.

Farquar: Whatever.

(The shark bobs up before going back down with Farquars legs hanging on his jaws. This gave Hooper, Brody and Farquar a chance to get back to shore and rush Farquar to a hospital. At the hospital, Dr.Dingle is checking Farquar.)

Omar: How is the pain, Mr. Farquar?

Farquar: I feel unstrong.

Omar: You mean weak?

Farquar: Whatever.

(Dr. Dingle goes out to talk to Hooper and Brody.)

Hooper: How is he, Doc?

Omar: You know this shark is good for business.

Brody: He asked how is he?

Omar: Oh that. He doesn't have a chance.

Hooper: If we have to, I'll tell him.

(Hooper goes into see Omar)

Hooper: Sir Edmond, your condition is...is fatal.

Farquar: Just as long as its nothing serious.

Hooper: But Edmond, your'e going to cry.

Farquar: You mean die.

Hooper: Whatever. You got me saying it now! Edmond, Edmond. Oh No.

(Hooper returns to the others.)

Hooper: He's dead.

Omar: I told you.

Brody: I'm going to hire Quint to kill the shark.
(Dramatic music plays in the background.)

(Brody and Quint meet in Brody's office.)

Brody: I've asked you to come here for one purpose.
To hire you to kill the shark.

Quint: I give you sharkies head and you give me 10 grand.

Brody: You're going to have to come down on your price.

Quint: How about you give me 10 grand and I give you sharkies head.

Brody: Now we're getting somewhere.

Quint: I'll need you to come along as me mate and I'll need someone
else to navigate me old buzzard.

Brody: Is that your ship?

Quint: No, that's me wife. Aye, aye, aye. A little sea humor there.

Brody: Matt Hooper will go with us.

Quint: Matt Hooper? Sounds like a vacuum cleaner.

Brody: That's Hooper, not Hoover.

Quint: All righty. Sounds like a basketball player then.

Brody: That works.

(Quint, Brody and Hooper are loading the ship)

Quint: I've got all me stuff to kill the beast. Hey, Hooper
what's all the crap you're bringing aboard.

Hooper: My cage, my dart gun and my-

Quint: You forgot your six-shooter, Tex. What do you think this is? Cowboys and Indians?

Hooper: These are a necessity in shark catching.

Quint: Phooey. With our splitting the money, I"m only getting $3,333.34 out of this.

Hooper: You are getting a penny more than us.

Brody: Stop arguing! Okey Dokey, guys?

Quint: Okey Dokey? I'm hunting sharks with Captain Kangaroo and Howdy Doody!

(At sea, a few hours later.)

Quint: Hooper, do you see the shark?

Hooper: I see him. I see him.

Quint: I got him on my line. Brody give me me harpoon. Hooper, I hope you got
me barrels secure. (He fires the harpoon) Got him!

(Quint manages to shoot three harpoons into the shark. However, the shark seems
unimpeded and goes underwater. That night, the three of them got drunk.)

Quint: HIc. I got this scar by a killer whale and this one from a swordfish.

Hooper: Oh, yeah! I got these scars by an electric eel and a tiger shark.

Brody and Quint: A WHAT?

Quint: You got any scars, Brody?

Brody: (showing his hand) Sawfish.

Hooper: Sawfish?

Brody: Yeah. I saw Fish Finnigan steal some cookies in third grade.
I said I would tell, so he scratched the "bleeep" out of my hand.

Quint: Great. I served on the Indianapolis and this land lubber is
telling me stories about a Chips Ahoy thief!

Hooper: Come on guys, let's all sing.

Quint: Hic! Okay

Brody, Hooper, Quint:
Show me the way to go home. Bum bum
I'm tired and I want to go to bed.
I had a little drink about an hour ago
and it went straight to my head.
Over land or sea or foam,
wherever I may roam.
You'll still hear me .....CRUNCH!

Hooper: Who said crunch? That's not how it goes.

Quint: It's the bloody shark, you twits!

(The shark goes down with a piece of the boat causing
the men to sober up quickly.)

Quint: Ah, he got away before I could blast him. But he'll be back.

Hooper: Let me go down in my cage and shoot him with my poison dart.

Quint: Go ahead. This boat can't last too much longer.

(Hooper goes down into the water and spots the shark. The shark, not
wanting to let a human get the best of him, hits the back of the cage
before reaching his jaws in and taking a bite out of Hooper.)

Hooper: Ugh. This is really bad for the liver.

(Back at the boat)

Brody: What's taking him?

Quint: He's dead.

Brody: Is not.

Quint: Is too.

Brody: Is not.

Quint: Is too.

(While they are aruging, the shark climbs onto the almost sunken boat and starts to pull Quint in.)

Quint: He's got me! Ahhh! Me insurance is really going to go up now. (The shark takes Quint's body underwater.

(The ship is almost completely underwater and Brody is hugging the ship's mast and has a rifle in his hand.)

THE REST OF THIS STORY IS LOST, SO I AM SUPPLYING A SUPPLEMENTARY ENDING

Brody: Looks like I'm done for and there's only one bullet left in this rifle.

(Brody sees a pressurized air tank floating towards the shark.)

Brody: Oh, my God! Maybe if that shark would swallow that pressurized air tank
and I could shoot my last bullet into its mouth... But what are the odds of that happening? Wait! He's going for it! He’s going for it! (The shark swallows the air tank) Better aim. Take that you son of a bitch! (He fires)

(The impact of the bullet against the air tank in the shark’s mouth causes the shark to explode.)

Brody: Woo Hoo! Our plot just jumped the shark and the term hasn't even been invented yet!

(Brody paddles back toward the shore on the fallen mast.)

Brody: So glad I survived that! I’m free to be in All That Jazz now!(Brody starts humming On Broadway as he continues to paddle back to shore.)

THE END

MUNICH (2005)

The 1972 Munich Olympics were the first Olympics that I can remember. Those involved will always be stuck in my memory because they seemed bigger than life to a nine-year-old. Among the athletes:

· Seven gold medal winner Mark Spitz, who used the Olympics as a stepping stone to appear in a Bob Hope special, at least that’s the only other thing I can remember him doing afterwards.
· Frank Shorter, who won the Marathon despite an imposter running in front of him when he entered the stadium for his final laps. (Featuring Jim McKay’s commentary on the imposter. “That man is getting applause that belongs to Shorter!” Or something like that. It’s just not the Olympics without the commentary of Jim McKay.)
· Dave Wottle, Gold medal sprinter (who looked nothing like a sprinter) and his unforgettable golf hat.
· Long distance runner Jim Ryun getting tripped during a race he was favored to win-though I still admire his futile, hopeless attempt to get back in the race.
· Vince Matthews and Wayne Collete, 400m medalists, who talked during the playing of National Anthem at the award presentation. (Not as memorable as the medalists giving the black power salute, but that was a different Olympics, a different time.)
· Olga Korbut, the greatest Olympic gymnast ever until four years later when Nadia Commenci became the greatest Olympic gymnast of all time.
· The Men’s basketball final where the U. S. got screwed over
by the refs in the final game against the Russians. (Editorial note: We should still field a team of college players no matter what them other countries do.)

Other names of note: Kip Keino, Lasse Viren, Shane Gould, Steve Prefontaine, Rodney Milburn, Sugar Ray Seales, Duane Bobick, Dan Gable, Dwight Stones, Teofilo Stevenson et al., etc…etc.

Sadly, what the Munich Olympic Games will mostly be remembered for is the murder of Israeli athletes by Palestinian terrorists. I'll never forget Jim McKay's dramatic commentary as the events unfolded ("They are no more").

This clip of Jim McKay is used in the beginning of Stephen Spielberg’s film
Munich. This film is more about the covert operation by the Israeli government to find(and kill) those responsible for the murders than the Munich murders.Those murders are just the prelude here, but are smartly interspersed throughout the movie, so the viewer gets a greater understanding of what happened, or at least the films version of what happened.

Though the movie wasn't what I was expecting, it did have a lot to say about the difficulties involved in tracking, identifying, and killing terrorists.I like the way this is summed up by one of the movie’s characters:

The drunk Americans could have been CIA, for all we know Louis is CIA. They work both sides, everyone does. Or Louis is Mossad, now maybe he isn’t, but they’re using him to feed us information. There’s no direct link. Or Mossad’s giving it to the CIA, which is giving it to Louis and Ephraim’s demanding we give him Louis because we expect him to do…

How can you kill evildoers when you can’t even determine who they are?

Tough for me to watch a movie about terrorism so soon after seeing the classic The Battle of Algiers, but Munich is pretty gripping in its own right.