INGLORIOUS BASTERDS (2009)

PRIDE OF THE YANKEES (if written by a Boston Red Sox fan)

Once upon a time in a New England wood...

Baseball star Johnny Damon is propped up on top of a giant rock. His hands are tied behind his back and is close to unconsciousness. A splash of water onto his face causes him to awaken quickly.

ALDO: Wake up sleepy head! I need your full attention, Private Damon.

DAMON: (Becoming alert) What? What? Who are you? What’s going on? Why am I tied up?

ALDO: (holds up his hand as a sign for Damon to stop talking) Please, Private Damon. You inquiries will be shortly addressed. But first let me introduce myself. I am Aldo the Apache and I render justice to those that perpetrate offenses outside the jurisdiction of the American legal system.

DAMON: This is outrageous! You can't do this to me. Let me go at once-

Aldo throws another bucket of water into Damon’s face.

ALDO: Please Private Damon. I was still talking. I will kindly ask you to not interrupt me again. However, since you appear to be the impatient type, I will get right to business by giving you a quick recap of what led us to the predicament you find yourself in. If you recall, you were a member of the grandest organization in sports, The Boston Red Sox. During the 2004 postseason you became quite a hero. I certainly thought of you as a hero. Many others did too. You could have been set for life as a member of the Red Sox. But do you know what you did after that?

DAMON: I…I…I

Aldo throws yet another bucket of water into Damon’s face.

ALDO: I will now tell you what happened. The devil tempted you and you put your name on the dotted line to be one of his foot soldiers. Yes, you signed with the New York Yankees.

DAMON: Oh, my God! Are you going to kill me?

ALDO: Kill you? You really wound me, Private Damon. Though you may find my accent to be one you might associate with the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee, let me assure you that I am a gentleman of New England through and through. I am not some common Brooklyn street thug. No, grievous as your offense is, it does not constitute a capital punishment. Though that which you have perpetrated does require justice of some kind.

DAMON: But this isn’t fair! I don’t even play for the Yankees any more!

ALDO: I’m sorry, Private Damon. When you are accepted as a Hatfield, you just don’t start hanging out with the McCoys. I’m paraphrasing the honorable Curt Schilling, of course. You took Yankee money when you could have gotten plenty elsewhere. Do you think you’d be in this situation if you had signed with the Milwaukee Brewers? Besides, you can take off that Yankee uniform you once wore, but the Apache in me can still can smell it on you. But not everyone has my nose for truth, but I’ll get to that momentarily. As I said, this is not a capital crime, but to forgo any punishment at all? This, I cannot abide. You need to learn that actions have consequences, though I think your punishment should be a little more than me just making you eat a straw hat.

Damon begins to say something, but Aldo again raises a hand for him to stop. Aldo turns into the direction behind him.

ADLO: (Shouting) Cpl. Yastrzemski! Private Damon here once said he wanted to be a Yankee for life. Oh-blige him!

There are several thumps from a dark tunnel behind Aldo before the figure of a strapping Polish man with smart, dark sideburns and a Red Sox baseball cap emerges outside. He comes into the light twirling his bat like a baton.

YASTRZEMSKI: Yahoo! I’m Teddy Williams and I’m about to go the other way and belt one over the historic Green Monster. And the crowd here at Fenway goes wild!

As Yastrzemski comes next them, Aldo smirks and Yastrzemski reluctantly puts the bat down. Aldo reaches into his pocket and tosses him an all-purpose Swiss Army knife. He nods in Damon’s direction and Yastrzemski quickly takes the knife to Damon’s forehead and goes to work.

An hour later.

ALDO: (looking at Damon) My God, Cpl. Yastrzemski! You do mighty impressive work. Looks just like the emblem on their cap! This is much better than the one you did on Reggie Jackson. Anyway, he’s still out, but you can go ahead and cut him loose now. It looks like the bleeding has stopped and we need to get a move on before he wakes up.

YASTRZEMSKI: Did he really think we were going to kill him?

ALDO: That’s the mentality, Cpl. Yastrzemski. That’s the mentality. As always, I thank you for your good work here today, but it is once again time for us to part our ways as some in our society still don't recognize our way of administiring justice.

Yastrzemski shakes Aldo’s hand and begins walking away from Aldo.

ALDO: (Shouting back) Oh, Cpl. Yastrzemski. Let's remember to keep our knives sharp, I hear A-Rawd might be retiring soon.

THE TREE OF LIFE (2011)

(Rod and Chip Go To the Movies 6: Rod vs. Chip! The Final Battle! Armageddon! Night of the Living Dead!)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The events depicted are real…sort of.

Sometime during the 21st Century

Mobile’s Crescent Theater had become about the only place Chip would go see a movie these days. Located in the middle of downtown Mobile, Alabama, the theater’s intimate and cozy atmosphere reminded him of some of those theaters he went to in Atlanta during the early 80’s. The Silver Screen…The Rhodes …those were the days. Days long ago, but days he always thought about whenever he went to the Crescent and watched whatever film was playing and always with a Anchor Steam bought from the lobby. At the front of the theater there were eight plush leisure chairs, but you had to get there early to claim one of them. Yeah, this was it, all right. Plopped down in a leisure chair with your Anchor Steam at the front of the Crescent watching whatever was on the screen. Setting mattered more than the specific movie that was playing for Chip these days.

Playing tonight was the Terrence Malick film, The Tree of Life. The film was unconventional in its narrative and Chip wasn’t sure if his wife, Dana would like it. The crowd was sparse, but enthusiastic. An interesting assortment of educated upper middle class middle age types and young college age intellectuals would certainly be filling the seats shortly. The setting was just like the old days in those theaters of old…Almost… Well, not really. But it was pleasant. After getting his Ales, Chip noticed the break that he and Dana were one of the first in the theater. He scooted her up to the front and sat down on the second leisure chair on the end. Chip pointed for Dana to claim the leisure chair next to him, but Dana hesitated.

“What’s wrong? You’ve got to get these seats while you can,” Chip said.

Dana looked a little squeamish for some reason. “Not yet. I’m going to see if I can get some popcorn,” she said.

Chip was a little annoyed at this, but signaled for her to go. Chip’s unspoken law of the Crescent was to grab the comfortable seat whenever it was open because you wouldn’t get a second chance.

After Dana went out front, Chip was surprised that no one asked him if the seat was taken. He was going to guard it for her, but the lack of interest as the back rows of the theater began to fill up was surprising to him. He took a sip from his drink as he tossed the coat he had been holding on his lap onto the empty seat.

“Hey, watch it!” A voice from the seat came at him.

Chip did a spit take as he spun his head to his left.

Chip couldn’t believe who was sitting in the chair next to him! It was his old friend, Rod!

All Chip could do was stare. It was Rod all right. The person that had sat to the left of him at hundreds of movies in the past was next to him again. But how could this be?

“Hey, don’t waste your Ale, old man. Does my presence here really startle you that much?” Rod asked.

Chip stammered before finally finding the resolve to speak coherently. “How are you here? Now? In this theater? In this town?”

“Calm down. Let’s just say that I got a special theater pass to come tonight. What was the last movie we went to together? Schindler’s List, wasn’t it? That was many moons ago. Of course, I’ve seen you at a few movies since, though I know you haven’t been able to see me.”

“This is unbelievable. Are you telling me that you’re-“

Rod interrupted him, “Let’s just say that the plane on which I reside is not something you can totally understand at this time.”

Chip took a deep breath. “Oh, man! It’s...just...crazy to see you in this form...but I admit I'm really glad you're here! Can anyone else here see you?”

“Unlikely. Too bad they aren’t showing Harvey, eh? I could be your imaginary bunny friend. Let me get to the point since my pass is only good for a limited time. I know you are married. You have a couple of daughters now. You love them, but they give you hell sometimes. You have steady employment, which shows how people can change, eh? Oh, and you came here tonight because you wanted to see this with your wife because you thought she wouldn’t get it and you could pose as her intellectual superior to feel better about yourself.”

“Rod, I thought you majored in Anthropology, not Psychology.”

Rod lifted a finger. “I’m not finished. You came here to this same theater two nights ago and watched the same film with your…ahem, mistress so you could feel intellectually superior to her as well. You’ve become one insecure individual, my friend.”

Chip shook his head. “You’ve been keeping tabs on me. And you’re judging me. Geesh! This whole thing is mind blowing. I’m thinking back to that time you saw Frank’n’Furter in that theater. You remember? You clearly saw him in your mind, but I couldn’t>”

“Of course, I remember. Frank may have been here tonight, actually. I doubt you’d have been able to see him. Don’t ask me why. It’s difficult to explain. And don’t think I’m judging you by calling you insecure. You have to live your own life. Well, unfortunately my ticket is just about to expire. I’ve got to move on.”

“Wait! When will I see you again? I’ve got so many questions. Aren’t you going to stay and watch the movie?”

Rod laughed. “I’ve seen it. I like it. It gets some things right. It’s no Night of the Living Dead, but what is? Of course, you’re favorite was always that Doris Day/Rock Hudson movie Pillow Talk, wasn’t it?”

“You’ve been making that same Pillow Talk joke since 1977! I do kind of like Pillow Talk, truth be told. Ha. So, Rod, If you really have to leave, could you at least give me a closing line?”

Rod stood up and cleared his throat. “I have always been and shall ever be your friend….Live long and prosper, Chip.”

Wrath of Khan, Northlake Festival, Summer 1982...” Chip closed his eyes in remembrance before a voice from his right startled him.

“Hey, can you move over one?” Dana said.

Chip looked in her direction for a moment before staring back to the chair by to left of him, which was now empty. He moved over to the open seat that Rod had occupied a moment earlier and Dana sat down in the seat next to him.

“What’s this movie about again?” She said sitting down as the lights dimmed.

“What’s it about?” he asked. “It’s about…it’s about life!”

SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)

(Rod and Chip Go To the Movies, Part 5: Revelations)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The events depicted are real…sort of.

Sometime in 1993, 1994 or thereabouts

Rod and I met that night at the Phipps Plaza Mall to see a movie. It seemed like an impersonal if not corporate place to go see a film, but the theater was well kept, I must admit. Besides, I hadn’t been to see anything with Rod in quite awhile and was looking forward to his company. As we approached the ticket booth, he surprised me with his question.

Rod: “So, what do you think? Dumb and Dumber?”

Chip: C’mon. We haven’t seen a movie together in over a year. Don’t you think we need something with a little more substance?

Rod: (Eyeing the marquee) I know what you’re thinking, but sometimes I’m just not in the mood to see a holocaust movie. Actually, that’s most of the time.

Chip: Remember when we were in college and I wanted to see The Elephant Man, but you wanted to see Mother’s Day?

Rod: Vaguely…Yeah, I remember.

Chip: And we went to see Mother’s Day.

Rod: Hey!..I liked Mother’s Day. It had a certain appeal of its own. Not quite good and not quite campy, but somewhere in that happy space in-between. It was no Night of the Living Dead, but what is? But, uh. Yeah. I can’t really categorize it. It was a limbo movie.

Chip: A limbo movie? Yeah, I guess. Kind of like that movie Bug. You know, the one where the bugs begin to talk and spell words and take over the town and cause earthquakes.

Rod: No that one was closer to bad.

Chip: Anyway, my point is that we went to see what you wanted to see that night. Don’t you think you owe me?

Rod: No I don’t. But if you’re pea pickin’ heart is set on Schindler’s List, I guess I can tough it out.

Rod and Chip go buy a coke and Raisinets and some Chocolate Stars before heading into the theater. After finding a couple of seats near the middle of the theater, Chip notices Rod staring at an empty seat.

Chip: What are you staring at?

Rod: What? Oh, nothing...Hey, do you remember that guy Frank that we always ran into when we went to the Silver Screen or the Rhodes Theater?

Chip: Frank n’ Furter? How could I forget Frank n’ Furter? Or when we went to see Rocky Horror at a matinee and those people threatened Frank’s friends when they kept talking back to the screen?

Rod: (Imitating Chip) “It’s part of the show. Let them speak!” Yes, I’ll never forget you yelling that out. A rare public political statement from our man Chip.

Chip: That just kind of came out of me. And I’ll never forget my applause. And that actually shut them up if you recall and Frank acknowledged me with just a slight nod of his head.

Rod: Yes, you are now world renowned for the preservation of performance art in movie theaters everywhere.

Chip: (Sarcastically) You mock me sir! Like I always tell you. If you mock, I won't share. Anyway, what made you think about him?

Rod: Hang on. The movie is about to start.

Roughly three hours later

After watching Schindler’s List, Rod and Chip leave the theater and sit down on a bench outside the mall.

Chip: That was something else. (Rod doesn’t respond) What did you think, old man?

Rod: I think I need to do something.

Chip: Bathroom is right around the corner…. (Rod doesn’t respond) Fine, I’ll bite. What kind of something do you need to do, Mr. Rod?

Rod: How many movies have you and I gone to see together over the years?

Chip: I don’t keep a running total. I do know the first one we saw was L'Avventura. I confess I didn't like it at age 14. Of course, it's one of my all-time favorites now. As far as a total number, I'm sure it’s well into the hundreds by now, I’m sure.

Rod: Yeah, in the hundreds. That sounds about right.

Chip: So what is it you want to do?

Rod: I think I’m going on that dig out West.

Chip: You mean actual archaeology? Use your degree? I thought you said you weren’t interested in that.

Rod: Look, Chip. We aren’t nineteen anymore. I have this opportunity and I think I should do it. It’s a bit romantic to say that I want to find the origin of man or whatever may else may rise to the surface beneath a pickaxe. But it would be a first hand look into our past. How man became what he is today. For better or for worse.

Chip: Boy, all these life revelations just because we saw this movie. I’m wishing we had just gone to see Dumb and Dumber now.

Rod: You know who I saw in the theater? In that empty seat?

Chip: No. But I think you’re going to tell me.

Rod: Frank. Our old cross dressing friend Frank n Furter. He was there. I swear! He was watching us. Watching us from another plane.

Chip: Like a ghost? You’re saying we were being spied on by a transvestite Casper?

Rod: Now it’s your turn to mock me. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably do the same, but I know what I saw.

Chip doesn’t respond. They both rise.

Rod: I think I’m going to head for home. I need to start packing right away. That bus leaves tomorrow. And don’t look so glum. I may be back some day.

Chip: I know. If you don’t get on that bus, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but by next week I’m sure regret will have kicked in by then. Well, all I can say is good luck. I would hug you, but we aren’t really the hugging types.

Rod: You can go hug your kid.

Chip: Huh. He’s three years old and we’ve never even had a conversation about him before.

Rod: Yeah. Sometimes the two of us can be a little superficial aren’t we? Very well.. No hugs, but I could give you a hearty hand clasp.

Chip: That would be okay.

Rod: What’s that from again?

Chip: The Bank Dick. Or was it It’s a Gift? I know it was one of those W. C. Fields movies.

Rod: (Giving Chip a hearty hand clasp) You know Louie, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Rod waves before starting to walk away

Chip: (As Rod begins to walking away) Here’s looking at you, kid!

As Rod goes out of view, Chip sits back down and pulls out the box of candy from his pocket and notices there are a couple of Raisinets that stuck to the bottom of the box, which he consumes.

Chip: (to himself) He’ll be back.

Rod and Chip never went to a movie together again.

OR DO THEY? JOIN US NEXT FOR OUR FINAL INSTALLMENT TO FIND OUT!

PEEPING TOM (1960), GREAT BRITAIN, BLACK NARCISSUS (1946, GREAT BRITAIN)

(Rod and Chip Go To the Movies, Part 4: The Awakening)

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The events depicted are real…sort of.

Sometime in the 80’s…

Rod and I came out of The Silver Screen Theater breathing a sigh of relief. After the fiasco a couple of weeks ago involving our unwitting viewing of the gay oriented films Satyricon and Sebastiane, our recent Silver Screen double feature viewing of Peeping Tom and Black Narcissus provided a welcome relief.

“Can you believe Peeping Tom was made over twenty years ago?” I asked Rod.

Rod rubbed his chin as he thought my question over. “It kind of puts Blood Beach and New Year’s Evil in their proper place on the movie quality food chain. Oh, and did you catch the nude scene? It was only for about a second. But I clearly saw breasts.”

“No way, that was a 1960 movie. You were just imagining things.” I said.

“I know what I saw,” Rod said, holding his position.

I told him that if he imagined he saw a brief nude scene, than a nude scene it was. I didn’t want to argue the point. When I asked him about the other film we saw, Black Narcissus, he looked much more puzzled.

“That was a tough nut to crack,” he said. “Beautiful looking film. I wasn’t sure of the point. I have to admit when that nun shed her habit and put on her lipstick it was pretty darn sexy.”

“We got to get you a girlfriend, pronto.” I snickered as I said it, but I actually found the scene a bit provocative as well.

“Back to your original question,” Rod said. “I wasn’t really sure of the point of Black Narcissus, but just by definition of it being shown at the Silver Screen, it had to have a point. Am I not right, Chip old man? That’s the comfort in seeing a movie here. You know they're not going to show something like Chu Chu and the Philly Flash or Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen. What they show will have significance to someone, somewhere in someway. Comprende?”

I nodded as I thought he had actually made a good point. As we left the theater, I grabbed the Silver Screen calendar.

“Before you continue with your metaphysical philosophy on film choice, why don’t we take a peek at the coming attractions,” I said.

I looked at the calendar for a moment before all feeling left my hand and dropped the calendar to the sidewalk.

Rod picked it up and looked at it. “What’s the matter with you, are you-Oh, my God!”

Rod and I sat down at the same time on the bench outside the box office.

“It’s over. Can you believe it? This is the last movie,” Rod said.

Neither one of us said anything else for the next minute until a man in a three-piece suit came up to us.

“Hey, I know you guys,” the man said. “I saw you at the Rhodes for Motel Hell and for Il Sebastiane here couple of weeks ago.”

Being still in a state of shock, it took a moment for us to recognize him as the man who was dressed as Frank-n-Furter at the Rhodes Halloween week and the man who was with another man he referred to as his husband during the showing of the infamous Sebastiane the week after. It’s funny how the embarrassment of seeing that film suddenly seemed so unimportant.

“Oh, hello. You look different.” I said to him, though my mind was still on the closing of the theater.

“Well, I wouldn’t get much business as an accountant if I dressed like a queen from nine to five, would I? Anyway, my real name actually is Frank. You probably don’t believe it, but it's true.”

He stuck his hand out for us to shake. After we shook his hand, he joined us on our bench.

“A shame this place is being shut down, isn’t it?” he said.

“What happened Frank? Why are they taking away our theater?” Rod asked.

“Georgia-Pacific bought it, I believe. The venerable old movie house just doesn’t do enough business anymore. People want to see second run movies, they just rent a videocassette these days.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “Videocassettes? Like I have Eight-Hundred dollars to buy one of those players or sixty more to buy a movie. And I want to see it on the big screen anyway. What the hells the matter with people?”

“I know. I know.” Frank said as he tried to comfort me by patting my hand. “You’re preaching to the choir, honey.”

As if suddenly waking out of a trance, Rod grabbed me by my shirtsleeve. “At least we still have the Rhodes. They aren’t planning to shut that down I imagine.”

Frank handed Rod a copy of the Arts and Entertainment section of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that he had just pulled out of his breast pocket.

Rod looked down the pages and began to read: Atlanta’s Rhodes theater will be showing the 1938 Spencer Tracy-Clark Gable movie Test Pilot this weekend.

Rod looked up. “You see! They’re still in business.”

“Keep reading.” Frank said.

The Rhodes is showing this film because it was the first film it showed in 1938, so the management thought this would be a fitting final farewell before the Rhodes goes under the wrecking…

Rod pulled his head from the paper and looked skyward before looking back and finishing…before the Rhodes closes its doors for good and goes under the wrecking ball.

Rod handed the paper back to Frank who casually tossed it to the ground.

The three of us sat on the bench and starred across the parking lot at the venerable Oxford Bookstore, wondering if even that Atlanta institution might one day be vulnerable to the greed of land developers.

“So, what do we do now?” I asked.

Frank turned to us and put out his hand to emphasize his point. “And they’re moving Rocky Horror from Garden Hills to Northlake Plaza next week. Can you believe it? Me..in suburbia”

Rod showed a little interest “I’ve never seen it. You, Chip?”

I shook my head.

Frank let out a laugh that came close to registering as a squeal. “Oh, my. A couple of virgins, huh? Well come down to Northlake next Saturday, midnight.”

“We might as well,” Rod said. “Our social options seem to be suddenly limited.”

Frank stood up. “I got to run. I’ll look for you kids. Remember Rocky Horror. It’ll make you forget about this disappointment. Come dressed up if you dare. I’ll copy an extra script for you if you want to participate. Hey, you’d make a good Eddie,” Frank said looking my way as he left the two of us on our bench.

“What did he mean by that?” I asked Rod

“Oh, I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore. My whole worldview has been decimated into fragments.”

I took one last look at the calendar. “Peeping Tom and Black Narcissus have one more showing tomorrow. You want to come back?”

“We’ve already seen these two, but I guess we could come tomorrow and watch them again. One more chance to…no, that would be prolonging the agony. I’m done. It’s time to move on.” Rod sighed.

“I guess you’re right. Guess I’ll save up for a video cassette player.”

“Guess the first movie you’ll get will be Pillow Talk. You’ll be able to watch it anytime you want.”

“Shut up about Pillow Talk already!”

Rod laughed and I couldn’t help but smile a little too, though I was not smiling at his endless need to make fun of the movie Pillow Talk. I was instead thinking of all the great movie moments that I had experienced at the greatest theater in the world over the last few years.

We both turned our gaze to the Silver Screen marquee one last time before driving away.

IN OUR NEXT EPISODE OF ROD AND CHIP GO TO THE MOVIES...WE SEE ROD AND CHIP GOING TO THE MOVIES DURING THE 90'S, BUT WILL IT BE FOR THE LAST TIME?