Jimmy Stewart or Cary Grant month (Post 14 of 14)
Anatomy of a Murder
ANATOMY OF A BLOGGER
The 1001 Movie Blogger is escorted through the courtroom to the witness stand and sworn in.
Jimmy Stewart: Sir, you do realize why you are here today?
1001 Blogger: No! I have no clue why I'm here today. All I know I was watching Anatomy of a Murder yesterday and today I find myself in this court. I want to know what I am being accused of!
George C. Scott: Perhaps I can shed some light on this situation your honor. May I approach the defendant?
Judge Welch: It's a bit irregular, but I will give you a little latitude here.
George C. Scott: Take a look at that woman sitting over there, Mr. Blogger…If that is your real name.
(The woman in question is the voluptuous blonde Lee Remick, circa 1959, as she looked in Anatomy of a Murder.)
1001 Blogger: Okay, I'm looking.
George C. Scott: Do you think she's pretty?
1001 Blogger: Impressive...bordering on spectacular. But what's the point of your question?
George C. Scott: Let the record show that the defendant is not blind. He can see perfectly well.
Jimmy Stewart: Just a minute! Are you trying to railroad my client, sir! He deserves his day in court before you just arbitrarily toss him into the clink.
(Stewart slams his right hand down on the prosecutor's table for emphasis.Lee Remick giggles at the outburst and the all the males in the court soak her in for a minute before the trial can proceed.)
Judge Welch:(to the lawyers) Gentleman, gentleman. Have you no since of decency, sir? This is, after all, a court of law!
(A booming German voice from the back is heard as he approaches the bench.)
Maxamillian Schell: Perhaps I can shed some light on things. I say to you your honor, if this man is found guilty, there are others who went along who must also be found guilty!
Judge Welch: I need to stop you right there, sir. I believe you are looking for the Nuremberg Trial, third door to the left.
Maxamillain Schell: Oh my God! I'm so embarrassed. I was never here. (Schell runs out of the courtroom.)
Judge Welch: Now can we get back to-Who are you?
(A white haired man in suspenders approaches the bench carrying a rock.)
Spencer Tracy: Mr. Blogger, have you ever read The Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin?
1001 Blogger: Well, yeah. Most of it anyway.
Spencer Tracy: Oh! I wasn't expecting you to say yes. I've got nothing else. Witness is excused. (Tracy returns to his seat.)
Judge Welch: Excuse me, but this is still my courtroom and I don't excuse this witness!
Jimmy Stewart: Hold on here. Can I try something?
(Stewart goes to the bench and instructs the defendant to follow him around the courtroom. Stewart walks past the onlookers and twice around the perimeter of the room back with the 1001 Blogger following closely behind before the blogger ends up back at the witness stand.)
George C. Scott: OBJECTION !!! Counsel is leading the witness.
(Judge Welch pounds his gavel.)
Judge Welch: Any more references to Kentucky Fried Movie and I swear clear I'll clear this courtroom! Do you understand? Will the defendant please sit back down?
(The 1001 Blogger retakes his seat on the witness stand.)
George C. Scott: My colleague here has a question for the defendant.
(A JAG lawyer rises)
Tom Cruise: Did you or did you not order a code red?
1001 Blogger: What's a code red?
Tom Cruise: Um, I'm not really sure. I thought you knew.
(Cruise sits back down and lowers his head.)
(The 1001 blogger now feels a light shining in his eye.
A portly man in a powdered wig drops a monocle into his
Charles Laughton: Sorry, your honor. I was using my monocle shining light method to see if this man was telling the truth or if he's just a...LIAR! But to tell you the truth, the thing isn’t really that reliable. Let’s just forget the whole thing. (He sits)
(A short round faced man stands up and begins to scream in German.)
Peter Lorre: (translated into English) Do you all want to kill me?
You just want to wipe me out?
But you can’t murder me just like that!
I demand to be handed over to the police!
I demand to be brought before a real court of law!
Judge Welch: Does anyone hear speak German?
James Stewart: No, your honor.
George C Scott: No, I certainly don’t speak Kraut.
Judge Welch: Sorry, sir. We can’t understand you. You’re going to have to sit down.
(Lorre sits down and buries his head in his hands.)
1001 Blogger: Hello! What about me? I still don't know what I'm being accussed of! This trial is...is
(A short, dark haired man stands and finishes the sentence for him.)
Al Pacino: This trial is out of order! My client is guilty! My...
(Judge Welch bangs his gavel once again and points to a sign above the door of the courtroom which reads-NO PACINO. Al Pacino gestures apologetically with his hands and sits down.)
Jimmy Stewart: My goodness. May...may I have a second to question my own client? Thank you. Mr. Blogger, do you laugh when you hear the word panties spoken out loud?
1001 Blogger: No, of course not. Well, sometimes…
Joe Pesci: (rising) Excuse me. If it please the court. I saw who did this. It was two yoots.
Jimmy Stewart: Objection! Isn’t it reasonable to assume if we have a no PACINO rule that we should also have a no PESCI rule?
Judge Welch: You are quite right, counselor. Sit down, Joe.(Joe mumbles something in Italian, but sits down)
Jimmy Stewart: May I say something now?
(Before he can continue, a lady with a thick Australian accent stands.)
Meryl Streep: A Dingo ate my baby!
(The courtroom looks at her for a moment before ignoring her comment and looking back at the
(Juror #8 stands.)
Henry Fonda: No jury can declare a man guilty unless it's SURE.
Judge Welch: Those are admirable words. But this is not a jury trial!
(Henry Fonda waves apologetically and slumps down in the jury box.)
(A distinguished looking African-American man stands up)
Denzel Washington: If it please the court. This case isn’t just about AIDS. It’s about the severe public hating…our loathing…our fear of homosexuals!
Jimmy Stewart: Aids? You mean like hearing aids?
Denzel Washington: Uh, never mind.
Judge Welch: I think he's referring to congressional aides.
Denzel Washinton: I said never mind! Withdrawn!
George C. Scott: What's a homosexual?
Denzel Washington: Withdrawn! Withdrawn already!
Kirk Douglas: (standing) Gentleman of the court, there are times when I’m ashamed to be a member of the human race and this is one such occasion.
Judge Welch: Those are harsh words, Mr. Douglas. Do you wish to explain this rather cold indictment of humanity?
Kirk Douglas: Uh, no. I kind of thought you were going to just cut me off like you did everybody else. Just pretend I didn’t say anything. (He sits)
Judge Welch: (Exasperated) I believe we're ready for closing arguments now.
(A distinguished looking southern gentleman stands up.)
Gregory Peck: In the name of GOD, do your duty.
James Stewart: That's good Greg, but I think he was
talking to me. But I don't really have a close. How about you George?
George C. Scott: Me neither. Lets go have a beer. What do you say?
Judge Welch: Great idea. This case is dismissed. You are free to go. Party at Barney Quill's bar!
Everyone cheers as they leave the court for Barney Quill's Bar, leaving the 1001 blogger alone in the courtroom with a confused look on his face. Lee Remick sticks her head back in the door of the courtroom and signals at the defendant.)
Lee Remick: Hey, Mr. Blogger fella! Aren't you coming to the party?
(The 1001 blogger breaks into a smile as he follows her out of the courtroom.)