THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI (1957, GREAT BRITAIN)

The Bridge on the River Kwai has got to be ranked as one of the greatest films ever made! At least that’s my initial reaction after seeing it for the first time last night. The question is why did I put off seeing it for over forty years?

I could try to list reasons why you should see it, but I really don’t want others to make the same mistake that I made and procrastinate for years and say “I just don’t feel like watching a three-hour 1950’s war film.

So, instead I will now implement hypnosis techniques I learned from Marshall Sylver’s home hypnosis kit to persuade you in a little stronger way to watch this film if you are for some reason still reluctant.

We begin:

I want you to listen carefully to my voice
as you close your eyes and picture yourself
in a clearing outside a Japanese jungle in 1943.
Do not be concerned, for you are not a prisoner of war,
You are free and just there relaxing, relaxing.

Deeper…deeper…

You hear whistling in the background,
The World War I Colonel Bogey March, I think.
But if that’s too jaunty for our purposes,
just imagine the more tranquil “Fishin’ Hole” theme
from The Andy Griffith Show.

Deeper…Deeper…

If you are a male, four female Thai water carriers
are bringing you fresh sustenance,
If you are a female, you are being brought an extremely dry martini
from a shirtless William Holden.

Deeper…Deeper

You are totally in control
just like Alec Guiness.
But the force is not with you,
because that’s a different movie.

Deeper..Deeper

You are now totally susceptible to the power of suggestion.
And I am suggesting that you watch The Bridge Over the River Kwai,
Now available on DVD and Blue-Ray from Columbia.

Deeper…Deeper.

When I count to three I will give my men the order to fire.
Scratch that.
What I meant to say is when I count to three you will awaken.

One…Two…Three…awake!

I hope you will now enjoy this film as much as I did.

I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE (1943)

I just finished watching I Walked with a Zombie at the library and I really don’t know what to say about it. I’m going to rest awhile and think about it tomorrow. I feel so comfortable right now…as I can barely stay…awake…

Nurse Betsy took me by the hand and led me out the front door of the plantation house. The West Indies wind was swirling, but I willingly went with her, as I had grown tired of the sibling rivalry that dominated the house that had now culminated in an argument over the relative merits of the Declaration of Independence versus the Magna Carta.

As we walked past the statute of St. Sebastian, Nurse Betsy rationalized to me that though the statue was once the figurehead of a slaveship, that ship did at least take them to a beautiful place. I found myself unable to concentrate on her strange logic, as the only thing I could think of was the 1976 film ‘Sebastiane’ that basically turned out to be just one long homoerotic fantasy! I didn’t know that’s what it was going to be when I saw it at the theater! Oh, Nurse Betsy! Won’t you believe me?

Despite the coolness of the evening, the Nurse’s hand felt warm to the touch and actually made me shudder with pleasure as she directed me to the dark wood that stretched before us. At that point, I would have followed her over a cliff if that were where she wanted to take me.

Before we could enter the wood, a bright light appeared before us. A man appeared. Was it a ghost? A Zombie?

No, It was a calypso singer.

“Oh, librarian man
Can’t think what to write
Bout’ this movie
He saw last-a night
He make up-a dream.
That’s very, very lame…”

I grabbed the strings of his guitar before he could continue and informed him that he was very rude to be singing about me while I was standing right in front of him. He apologized, bowed and walked away.

Nurse Betsy tilted her head for me to continue on and I dutifully followed her past swaying stalks of sugar cane. A gentle mist came down as we continued. I felt at ease on my journey until we ran into a large black man with bulging eyes, who despite his striking appearance nodded to Nurse Betsy for us to pass. A hooting owl seemed to mock us as we covered our noses to block the odor that came from several animal carcasses that hung from the trees along our path. In my haste to escape the stench, I tripped over the remains of a human skull. Nurse Betsy helped me back up, but by this point even the charms of my companion weren’t enough to make me want to continue. She directed me to a clearing where we heard the rhythmic beating of several drums that I felt unusually drawn to. It was there that I saw a gyrating witchdoctor pulling a doll by a string. The little figure at the end of the string resembled a man. The witchdoctor continued to pull the doll toward him. It was then I noticed the doll was carrying a book. Why the doll was…was…a librarian.

I grabbed onto Nurse Betsy and pleaded with her not to make me walk with a zombie anymore, but as I felt a force engulf me as the man picked up the doll, it finally dawned on me that the zombie…was me.

When I awoke, I realized the movie had more effect on me than I first thought.

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)

Well, I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain.
He was lookin’ for the place called Lee Ho Fooks,
Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein.
Aaahoo, werewolves of London
-Warren Zevon.

I recently used my Apple iwayback machine to go back in time to watch Star Wars from a more objective angle. With An American Werewolf in London, I used no such technogadgetry, because it naturally feels like I went forward in time. Has it really been 28 years since this movie was released?? I’ll check the calendar again. Yep, 28 years.
Mr. Peabody! You’ve definitely been screwing with the iwayback machine.

When I think of this film, the one name that comes to mind is makeup guru Rick Baker, who won his first of six Oscars for this film. David Kessler’s transformation into the werewolf is the defining moment in the film and it’s still jarring. (Who needs fancy computer graphics anyway?) Though the makeup for the ever-deteriorating corpse of David’s friend Jack is pretty good too.

The post-Animal House and pre-Thriller video John Landis is the writer-director here and his film still seems fresh (A strange choice of word I admit for a moviefeaturing a wandering corpse). I do think at 98 minutes, the film could actually have been longer. The story behind the werewolf at The Slaughtered Lamb pub could have fleshed out (another unfortunate word choice) a little more, as well as the story behind the cover-up to David and Jack’s attacker. But if the worst criticism you have of a movie is that you wanted more of it; it’s a good sign.

David Naughton (will always be the peppy singing guy in the Dr. Pepper commercials) is OK in the lead role, though I’m not too surprised he didn’t become a bigger movie star. Griffin Dunne (of the under appreciated After Hours) as his unfortunate friend plays a mighty good corpse and maybe should have been a bigger star. The lovely Jenny Agutter (of Logan’s Run and a rather low-rent version of Othello I saw) is also good.

“A naked American man just stole my balloons” “Have you tried talking to a corpse? It's booooring.” were the lines that I remember getting the biggest laughs all those years ago. Though the defining line of the movie after watching it again is, “Look at me! In a porno theatre in Piccadilly Circus...talking to a corpse!”

And we don’t get scenes in films today like David trying to call his family from London to tell them he loves them as he begins to realize his time is running out. Why don’t we get scenes like this anymore? Because the easy access to people through cell phone technology has ruined many such dramatic moments! Not that I’m volunteering to give up my cell phone, I’m just saying.

STAR WARS (1977)

The first time you see a movie as famous as Casablanca, Citizen Kane, or Gone With the Wind, it comes with the additional baggage of being called “the greatest movie of all time” or at least one of them. There is so much pressure on the viewer to see what others see in it, the viewing experience is often not what it should be. The viewer may lean toward nodding their head in agreement not to appear obtuse or take an opposite tack and say, “What’s so great about that?”

Star Wars (subtitled A New Hope IV) has similar problems. So iconic in stature, so many sequels, so many have seen it and so many toys have been sold, I’m sure a bias will kick in as I watch and will be tempted to say, “What’s so great about that?”

What’s the solution to achieving objectivity? Well, the only solution has to be a mind meld to make me forget (intentional Star Trek reference) and my use of the newly released Apple iwayback machine that can take me back to 1977…1977…1977…

I feel a bit woozy and disoriented but I’m still excited about seeing this new film called Star Wars from the director of one of my favorite films, American Graffiti. Wow, the screen seems so big! But aren’t all movie screens this size? Huh. Wait, it’s about to start:

The theme song during the opening credits. Lush, orchestral makes me think of dramatic events. A good start. IV A New Hope? Did I somehow miss the first three in this series? Or is it like I. V. as in needing a transfusion? Roman numerals can be confusing. These rolling credits are fun. Reminds me of those old Flash Gordon serials they show on late night TV. It seems Mr. Lucas is a filmmaker that respects the past.

The plot: There seems to be trouble within the galactic empire and the rebel force. I think the empire are the ones in white body armor, but it’s a little hard to tell who is who. There is a princess. I remember reading about her. She’s played by Debbie Reynolds’s daughter. Great, now I just had a flashback to Singin’ in the Rain. I don’t know why my concentration is so off.

Wow, look at this guy. A hard breathing, black cloaked & helmeted authority figure. Wonder if he’s a bad guy? Wink, wink. I thought there was suppose to be more gray area in films today. Not that it might not be Travis Bickle underneath that cloak. The figure has the distinctive voice of James Earl Jones of The Great White Hope. For some reason the phrase “This is CNN” keeps running through my suddenly pounding head. What the heck is a CNN?

There are a couple of androids that are beginning to remind me of the supporting characters in Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress. In fact the swipes between scene breaks is also reminiscent of Kurosawa and other older films. Like I said, a filmmaker that respects the past. The gay android is CPO3 (reminiscent of the gay robot in Woody Allen’s Sleeper) and the other is D2R2. (I might not have their names right, I was jotting this down quickly). CPO3 reminds me of a metallic Dr. Smith from Lost in Space. D2R2 reminds me of the cute little robots from Silent Running. Like I said, a filmmaker who respects the past, but let’s not go overboard shall we George?

The robots come to a planet, battle some little Sand People (can’t decide if they are supposed to be cute or menacing) and deliver a message that gets to Luke Skywalker, who I presume is the hero of this piece by the softer version of the movie's theme that plays every time he appears on camera. Earlier, we learn that Luke wants to go away from home, but his Uncle wants him to till the crops or something like that until next year. Now what film does this remind me of? I got it! It’s a Wonderful Life! George Bailey has to work at the building and loan as Harry gets to go off and be a football hero at Fill-in-the-blank state. Damn you Harry.

Anyway, when Luke says anything, even something innocent like “I was going to Toole Station to pick up some power converters!” He sounds like a teenage girl complaining about not getting invited to the prom by the right guy.

Luke runs into the android’s old master played by (Hip Hooray a familiar actor!) none other that Sir Alec Guinness. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Got to admit that’s a pretty cool name.

Well, the Empire’s men, called storm troopers (As in Nazi storm troopers?) kill Luke’s remaining family. After Luke’s discovery of his murdered family, I can definitely feel a bildungsroman story coming on!

Oh, sorry. I must be getting a migraine. I kept picturing an obnoxious and strange creature that looked like an anteater named, Jar Jar I think? Where did that come from? Well, it was scary in an annoying way. I’ve taken a couple of aspirin. I must say after my daydream about this Jar Jar creature, CPO3 now seems much more palatable to me. Back to the movie.

Luke and Obi-Wan (still a cool name) try to get a pilot and a ship to take them to the Alderon system to rescue the prince or fight the empire or something. Sorry, I lost some of the plot thanks to this dream about this stupid anteater.

Anyway, they come to a kind of intergalactic biker bar and come across this hotshot pilot named Solo and his furry co-pilot he calls Chewy. They are hired. Solo kills a bounty hunter and tells an alien named Jabba that he’ll get his money. What happens to Jabba? We never see him again!

Throughout, Obi Wan is teaching Luke to use a mind/religion/yoga technique called the force. I almost called it the Schwartz, though I’m not sure why. Solo thinks the force is a waste of time. Luke is a willing disciple of the force. Is this a metaphor for the battle between religion and science? I could be reading too much into it. Of course, Obi-Wan’s (still a cool name) mind probes remind me of Mr. Spock’s in Star Trek. I’m growing a bit weary of Mr. Lucas’s “tributes.” to other sources.

Alderon is destroyed by the empire and Governor Tarkin (played by horror star Peter Cushing). Too bad we don’t get to see a one on one confrontation between Cushing and Guinness, though we do get to see a battle with fancy laser swords between Obi-Wan and Tarkin’s subordinate black cloaked figure. And what happens to Obi-Wan? He just kind of disappears in the middle of battle.

I’m feeling kind of faint now. I’ve got to keep moving through this. Alderon’s destruction reminds me of Star Trek when a Vulcan ship is destroyed and Spock feels it on the Enterprise (Obi-Wan feels a disruption in the force), the tractor beam reminds me of Lost in Space. The weapons called blasters remind me of Forbidden Planet. OK! George likes to copy other films and TV shows. Looks like it’s something I’ve got to accept.

Moving on. Solo and Luke try to rescue Debbie Reynolds’s daughter from the giant Star of Death. Debbie Reynolds’s daughter is a lot less whiny that Luke, in fact her voice is quite manly. They battle the storm troopers, fall into a garbage chute (a good scene, but the troopers aren’t very observant to not find them in there sooner)and escape the star of death. They regroup and Luke joins the rebels to attack the star of death. Most of the rebels are killed. Luke uses his mind trick to get to the Star of Death, aided at the last second by Solo.

The Star of Death is destroyed. Debbie Reynolds’s daughter gives Luke and Han a Nobel Peace Prize or something. I assume Luke and Debbie Reynolds’s daughter get married. And fittingly, Chewy gets the last growl of the movie.

Sure, Mark Hamill as Luke is whiny. But I think that’s the point. I think he’ll go on to do bigger and better things. I just read he’s doing a movie for next year called Corvette Summer. Now, that sounds like a hit. I’m not sure about his co-star Harrison Ford. His cynical character Solo is a good contrast to Luke’s exuberance, but can this actor play anything else? I noticed Ford’s not going to be in Corvette Summer. (Prediction: Corvette Summer will make three times as much money as Star Wars. I didn’t say life was fair!)

This film was quite a departure for George Lucas after the more personal American Graffiti. I don’t see Star Wars as being a big hit, but it has the opportunity to gain cult status as the years go by. I predict this movie was just a diversion for Lucas. I think he’ll go back to directing smaller, more personal films after this.

I’m also not sure about calling this episode IV. I really don’t see any room for future films here. Good already conquered evil and owww…Damn, why can I not get this picture of the Muppets out of my head now?

You know, I did enjoy this movie, but I would have liked it more without these damn headaches! That’s all for now, I’ve got to rest, only a couple months to go before the premiere of Close Encounters of the Third Kind!