Wednesday, May 22, 2013
THE OULAW JOSEY WALES (1976), UNFORGIVEN (1992), HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER (1973), DIRTY HARRY (1971)
Josey Wales pointed his pistol at the bottles on the fence in front of him.
Four shots rang out...Three bottles shattered.
He was getting good, but would it be good enough when it came time to face the Redlegs?
It was at that moment that Josey heard a distinct rumbling coming from the distance. He took his gun and hid behind the bushes. Could the moment of truth be upon him already?
As Josey saw four figures coming over the morning mist of what was once his farm, he cocked his gun in preparation.
"Josey Wales!" one of the figures shouted at him. "We come in peace. We are here to help you."
These were clearly not Redlegs. As the figures came closer, he noticed a familiar look to them. Josey came out with his weapons drawn as they approached him.
“Speak your piece and do it quick,” Wales said.
"We are here to help you," the first figure, who had the appearance
of a grizzled gunfighter, said. He had a slight growth of beard, squinted and spat. After the gunfighter spat, Wales spat immediately after him.
"My name is William Munny,” he said.
Wales tilted his head to get a better look at the gunfighter. "You look like-"
"I know." Munny said.
The second figure spoke.
"And my name is…well, I don't have a name. Some call me the High Plains Drifter."
"I don't know if I can trust a man without a name." Wales said.
"I do want you to trust me, so I've got to admit to you that my real name is...Ellen." The drifter spat.
Josey spat in response. I'm not real comfortable calling you that. Can I just call you, Hey You?"
"That works for me." Hey You said.
Wales tilted his head slightly to the left at Hey You. "You look like-"
"I know." Hey You, said.
The figure next to Hey You was wearing a dress outfit that Josey had never seen before, not even in the city.
"My name's Harry Callahan." he said with a smirk.
"That's a mighty big gun you have there, Harry." Josey said.
"It isn’t just cause I'm just glad to see you." he replied before spitting on the ground.
Wales turned his head in the direction of Harry Callahan. "You look like-"
"I know." Callahan said.
Josey looked at the fourth man. He was much smaller than the others with a short haircut, white shoes a red bow tie and an ill-fitting poncho.
The little man put out his hand and said. "HELLO! My name's Pee Wee! Pee Wee Herman! HA! HA!” Pee Wee tried to spit on the ground, but his saliva seemed to get stuck in his throat and all he could manage to do was loudly swallow it. He laughed again and looked around sheepishly.
Josey took a step back.
"He's all right, Josey." William Munny said. “Pee Wee is just the result of a computer glitch. He was programmed to be a fierce gunslinger named Blondie, but, I...I still don't rightly know what went wrong. But let me tell you, this Pee Wee's appearance may not match the rest of us, but he's proven to be a good fighter."
"A competer what?" Josey asked. "What is going on here? Aren't you fellas here to help me fight the Redlegs?
"I think we need to talk," Hey You said.
Josey motioned for the group to proceed to the burned out remnants of his farmhouse.
Pee Wee took the lead and bounced his arms vigorously and skipped as he went into the house.
The other four sauntered in and they sat down at the table.
"Josey, your enemy isn't the Redlegs, because you ain't the real Josey Wales." William Munny said.
"You're a computer generated version of Josey Wales." Harry Callahan clarified.
"That's crazy talk!" Josey said springing up in his seat.
"Sit down, Josey. Let me prove it to you. You feel grief for your wife and son, right? But do you actually have memories of them? Well, do you? Its all part of a computer program," Hey You said.
Josey sat down in the recognition that their assessment of his memory was correct.
"You are part of a role-playing computer game called TractorLand. Millions of people play it, I'm not sure why. It looks really boring to me. I know you don’t understand, we didn’t at first,” William Munny said
“But there are animals on this game that appear to be docile and benign
but take it from me; they aren't." Hey You added.
"I don't even know what a tractor is. Do I?” Josey asked.
"Tractors are pretty cool, Josey." Pee Wee interjected. "Of course I get all I need from my bike. Ha Ha."
"Time is running out Josey. To make a long story short, they're coming back for you.They’re coming for all of us. It took us awhile to get use to this reality but you don't have the luxury of time. I’d say we got about thirty minutes before they come back." Hey you said.
Josey buried his head. "But I don't understand!"
Harry Callahan grabbed Josey's arm. "There's not time, man.
Josey moved his head around to the others and nodded in agreement. Now they were able to plan.
Josey Wales and William Munny positioned themselves in the house with rifles ready.Harry Callahan and Hey You stationed themselves outside behind some rubble with their respective Magnum and Six Shooter drawn. Pee Wee lurked behind the building equipped with a bike and really loud black horn.
Then they came.
First, a group of pigs came at the farmhouse. These weren't any normal pigs, these were pigs flipping nun-chucks. These nunchuck pigs were vicious, but were clearly not ready for the ambush awaiting them. Harry Callhan's Magnum took the lead in wiping out the nunchuck pigs. The other gunfighters offered cover and the pigs not slaughtered made a hasty retreat.
Callahan came up to one of the pigs that was wounded but still alive. The pig’s hoof was in reach of his nunchucks as the animal eyed Callahan and his weapon. Harry raised his gun. "I know what you're thinking. Did I shoot 5 or 6? But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your snout clean off, you've got to ask yourself. Do you feel lucky, pig? Huh? Go ahead, make my day, Porky!"
The pig grabbed for his nun-chuck, but a shot rang out from Harry's weapon before the pig could reach it. "Guess I had one left." Harry said.
Next came the Samurai cows mooing as they brandished their swords.
"Shoot for the utters!" William Munny yelled out. As the bullets from the farmhouse came at the cows, the gunfire tearing into the utters caused most of the cows to explode in a milky explosion leaving nothing but their Samurai swords behind.
One of the cows tried to cut into Hey You before the gunfighter knocked it down with the butt of his six-shooter. "Looks like I'm going to have to teach you some manners," Hey You said as he pulled out a brush and began painting the cow red. The cow began a deep moo before Hey You knocked him out with a stray nunchuck he picked up off the ground. Hey You was blanketed in milk, but was otherwise unharmed.
A more coordinated attack came from a group of Gladiator chickens and Judas goats.They almost made it all the way to the farmhouse. Hey You grabbed one of the discarded Samurai Cow swords and decapitated a Gladiator chicken that was about to kill Harry Callahan with a spiked club.
From the flank, three Hellhorses with fire blazing from their nostrils came at Pee Wee's bicycle. He pushed a button on his bike that caused him to spring out of his seat, confusing the two Hellhorses converging on him enough that they slammed into each other, making them dazed, impaling the screeching animal and easy prey for his comrade's weapons. Pee Wee hopped onto the other Hellhorse and rode him into a broken fence at the edge of the Wales farm. Pee Wee giggled and gave his friends a thumbs up sign.
"Come on!” Josey motioned to William Munny. "We've got to get out there. We can't get enough of them holed up in here." William Munny and Josey went out with guns blazing.
The battle raged. Warrior kitties attacked without any outside weapons, but possessing a matching set of extremely sharp claws.
William Munny had five Warrior kitties almost upon him. "Damn it. I'm not like that anymore...I’m just not a killer, ah…what the hell." Munny blew away the felines with five shots.
Four fanged CyberBurros flew in the group’s direction. "These are one group of mules that I ain't gonna laugh at." Josey fired four shots. This time he was four for four.
A herd of counting sheep tried to come and make the others fall asleep, but the group was able to avert their eyes until they could be sheared with Pee Wee's electric razor.
After thirty minutes of intense fighting, the battle appeared to be over for the time being. The farmhouse was now obliterated. The group had injuries, but would survive. "We have done it." Josey said.
"For now." Harry added.
They heard a noise behind the shrub and they went over to investigate. A duck with large eyes and a pointed hat was shivering and looked at them with big, sleepy eyes.
"It's just a sweet little party duck that has lost its way,"Josey said.
In the second that he turned to tell the others, the party duck reared its teeth and flew at Josey.
"No!" Pee Wee said as he intercepted the path of the party duck. Harry Callahan came by and shot the duck in the head, but not before the damage was done.
They all came to Pee Wee's aid.
"My wounds are too great." Pee Wee said, putting his hand to his bloody neck where the party duck had bitten into him.
Hey You placed Pee Wee's poncho under Josey's head.
"You're a very brave man." Josey said to Pee Wee as he bent down to comfort him.
Pee Wee motioned to him and Josey bent down and Pee Wee said something in his ear, before Pee Wee closed his eyes for good.
"What did he say?" Munny asked.
"He said, ‘I know you are, but what am I?’"
Josey, William Munny, Harry Callahan and Hey You buried their friend on the eastern edge of the property.
"Why do people play this TractorLand?" Josey asked.
The other three looked at each other and shrugged.
A heavy wind began to blow on what used to the farm of Josey Wales.
"I think this place needs a new christening." Josey said.
They all looked around and agreed the need to acknowledge the war against evil they fought here and rename the area. Harry Callahan found a piece of what used to be the Wales barn and hammered it into the soil with his Magnum next to the newly dug grave of their fallen comrade. Hey You took out some of his red paint and wrote a name on the sign.
The four of them looked at it and nodded in mutual acknowledgement and walked away.
The sign read simply: East Wood.